Quiet When I’m Coming Home

It’ s been a busy November and we’re not even to or through Thanksgiving. Blue and I spent an awesome groupie/fangirl weekend in San Fransisco being tourists and seeing one of our favorite bands Manchester Orchestra for the 15th/6th time respectively. Music really is our church. I’m so glad I can share these experiences with my kids. Tonight, we saw Billie Eilish for the 3rd/2nd time and I’m feeling nostalgic. I’m not even going to touch on the election and the horror and fear I feel for our future and the safety of my children because I can’t quite wrap my head around any of that yet. I also absolutely loathe winter and the holidays so I’m just trying to power through the end of this year without diving too deep for fear I may just find myself stuck.

The first time I saw Billie was at Red Rocks with my friend Kayla. (THANKS GIRL!)

My then husband and son were on a boy’s trip to Florida and Blue was on a Spanish class field trip to Spain (jealous) so when Billie played When the Party’s Over, it struck a chord.

Quiet when I’m comin’ home

and I’m on my own

I could lie, say I like it like

that, like it like that.

Billie Eilish- When the Party’s Over

In 2019, with everyone on their separate trips, I was coming home to an empty home for the first time probably ever. I always cry at shows and tonight, five years later, was no different. When she played When the Party’s Over, I was swiping tears again. Comparing 2019 to 2024, as we head into our third Christmas still as a family but with separated parents, I’ve been coming home to an empty home for almost two years now. Blue lives with their fiancé and Jameson is supposedly staying with both parents alternatively but he’s at my house maybe one or two days a week so it’s definitely “quiet when I’m coming home” more often than not. Not going to lie, it is pretty fantastic having the house almost completely to myself. Teenage boys are slobs, leaving a trail like a snail not to mention loud and up super late almost every night, but it has also been lonely. I have my sweet pug Jojo so it’s not really like I’m talking to myself but it’s been quite an adjustment, going from a household of four, the other three being mostly extroverts, to just me and Jolene most the time.

New BFF/Roommate Jolene

Going through my Facebook memories today, I realized a friend I lost touch with died in a car accident two years ago. Along with all the other ghosts, like the older brother who took his life five years ago, commenting on a PIL show I went to long, long ago. Another comment on an older post from another friend who has since completed suicide. Or a memory about Blue getting sand removed from their ear at a 15 year checkup and the subsequent $150 “Surgery” surcharge with a comment from Alicia about keeping new piercings clean, another friend I lost almost three years ago. My page is filled with ghosts, while I’m trying to keep my spirits up.

But nothin’ is better sometimes

Once we’ve both said our goodbyes

Let’s just let it go

Let me let you go

Quiet when I’m comin’ home 

When I start to get down, working on figuring out or remembering maybe who I am, I try to remind myself it’s much better to be alone and feeling lonely than to feel completely alone sitting on the couch next to someone you’re sharing a life with.

Digging up the bones inside my head,

All I needed was to hear the truth

I’m lying naked and my brain has lost its screws

I hid away inside a lonely room

NEVER AS LONELY AS WHEN I’M ALONE WITH YOU

Dreamers- Screws

Lots of fantastic reminders and advice in the song lyrics from my Spotify playlists, including this one from Billie, another favorite of mine, that she killed tonight performing to thousands of screaming fans.

When I’m away from you,

I’m happier than ever,

Wish I could explain it better

I wish it wasn’t true 

Billie Eilish- Happier Than Ever

Speaking of Thanksgiving coming up, I’m so thankful for all the music in my life keeping me somewhat sane, plus the theater, comedians, brunches etc. I keep busy with along with the concerts and co-pilots- I love you all. Thanks for reading this if anyone even does, my little report card/therapy session. Happy fucking holidays everybody! Hang in there and reach out. We’re all this struggle huddle together.