Coming Out of My Cage and I’ve Been Doing Just Fine

       I don’t know how to start this, so I’ll jump in. Once again, my website has been long neglected. My last post was about surviving the holidays in 2022, over a year ago but I’ve been working on self-care a bit lately and writing has always been good therapy for me so I figured why not get back to writing. 2023 has been a bit of a shitshow for me. Who are we kidding? The entire 2020s have been a continuous dumpster fire but this year has been tricky.

      The delivery company owner I worked for, who has never been my “boss” but was the only father figure I’ve ever known, was diagnosed with lung cancer in March of 2022, passing away 7 months later. I bought the company and took over as owner/operator in a few short weeks while his health deteriorated.

                I had hung up my wrenches, retiring as a technician years ago but being a business owner in the automotive industry that chewed me up several times, sometimes painfully, was certainly daunting. Fifteen months later, being the owner of something I’m proud of while having my nails painted and leaving behind the check engine light nightmares and shop politics has been rewarding, thrilling, and completely exhausting.

        It might still be unknown to some, but I split from my husband of 28 years last December. Right before the holidays, which I loathe, but with children still at home so we muddled through the season trying to pretend everything would still be merry with an impending divorce. I’ve been half of a couple since I was 18 so it felt a bit like a Siamese twin separation to me, with the first few topsy-turvy months feeling unraveled figuring out who I am alone. I don’t feel like twenty-eight years is a failure, but acclimating myself to this completely different life with excitement while the rest of the world walked on eggshells like I should be devastated has been an adjustment. It is very cathartic to get everything out on a page where I can organize these thoughts and maybe burn them later. And yes, I know actual therapy would be even better than simply writing. I promise I’ll get to it in my non-existent free time, seriously though.

       I surround myself with some amazing people who don’t have their shit completely together but support me in ways I didn’t even know I needed. I just wanted to say thank you. I’m starting to feel like myself again after completely turning my life upside down in the last year and I owe a lot of that to the friends in my life.

      From my oldest friend, who started her marriage the same year I ended mine to another grade school friend who I see maybe three times a decade but who reminds me that we will always have those mischievous fun girls inside of us no matter the wrinkles, aches or failing memories.
     

     To my mom, who has always supported me, no matter what. In a very tough year, I’ve seen our relationship grow, where buttons we used to push that could devolve into arguments, are squashed before they can even start. I’m proud of us both, still working on ourselves in our 40s and 60s and I appreciate your friendship.

     To the friends I lost touch with, who I reached back out to and appreciate having back in my life, especially the ones who can commiserate with me and guide me with their own experiences with love and loss.
       

       To the friends that I won’t let back in my life because I’ve learned that sometimes you must burn a few bridges to put your mental health and happiness first.

     From the friends I see once or twice a month to my closest girls, even adulthood takes a village, at least in my case.

“I gave you my sky before I found my ground” -No Time For Tears, Ashlee Simpson

        To Jason, we were children and we made quite a go of it for decades. Thank you for growing up with me on our many adventures. We certainly know how to have a good time. Thank you for raising Blue and Jameson with me. They’re turning out amazing despite our blunders. Thank you for not making this ugly. You will always be my family.

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         To my closest girlfriends, who fully backed my decision to throw in the towel on “wedded bliss”, supporting me with so many dinners, limoncello shots, fence climbing shenanigans, girls’ trips, and the best birthday I’ve had in literally years plus a lotion applicator for my single lady shoulder blades and middle back- all while dealing with their own life blows from cancer to relationships, to loss or their own divorce navigation, to the inescapable awfulness and inevitability of getting OLD! I love you all pieces and can’t wait to make more memories on new adventures.

        I’ll keep looking for glimmers, in the lightning show behind the stage at Levitt Pavilions listening to Cake, and reminiscing about my 20s at the Park Tavern. In the spring babies, from calves to foals, on the farms I pass daily. To the Ted Lasso marathons and the ever-changing color of the Vanilla Ice stripe in Blue’s eyebrow.

        I hope I can be there for all of my villages the way they’ve supported me this year and always.

      Coming out of my cage
           And I’ve been doing just fine
     Gotta gotta be down
             Because I want it all…

           Mr. Brightside- The Killers