Have you ever gotten lost in the woods? Felt that moment of panic, absolute fear? My husband and I are avid snowboarders, PK (pre-kids) and even now, resolutely towing two straggling mini-skiers or chasing them down the mountain depending on the day or number of runs. My husband is a self-proclaimed snow snob so he loves the trees because this is where the undiscovered snow stashes are hidden. While I’m not the biggest fan of riding in the trees-more skull crushing obstacles to avoid, more hapless heart attack victims to uncover etc.-I too enjoy powder so on rare kid-free days I’ll follow my husband into the “woods”.
Problem is, he never waits for me. It’s generally understood that we’ll meet at the lift, even though it was written into our wedding vows that he is to carry my snowboard however many miles down the mountain if I am mid-tantrum. Sometimes, I get left behind.
One time, the worst time, I was way behind my husband in the trees somewhere in Keystone’s Outback when my too-tired Jello legs stopped taking directions from my brain and I slammed into a tree scorpion-style. For those of you unfamiliar with Rob Drydek or Ridiculousness, the “Scorpion” is when you fall flat on your face and your legs flip back over your head like a scorpion tail, pretty much as painful as it sounds.
I ended up buried in two feet of snow with my board parallel to the tree trunk which miraculously hadn’t cracked my skull. I snapped my feet loose and proceeded to dig myself out. Here was all that quicksand I had so feared as a child! My first step, I found myself waist deep in snow, my husband nowhere to be found( though trust me I was screaming for him) and no service on my cell phone. After ten minutes of managing to get myself further stuck and more exhausted, I began to feel real fear. Panic set in and I began to envision some poor kid finding me out here Jack Nicholson-style like the maze in The Shining.
The tears I’d been fighting finally won and I took a moment to wallow before finally getting my shit together, rescuing myself, and finding my way back to the lift where my clueless, vow-breaking husband was subject to my wrath.
Obviously, I survived but I started experiencing some deja vu about six months ago. Every morning at 6:10 when my alarm went off, I’d feel the same despair, panic, and aloneness I’d felt in those woods. My career was giving me mini panic attacks, slowing chipping away the brave front I’d built. I’d spent fifteen years in one shop or another fixing cars Monday through Friday 7-5 or 7-5:30, the occasional Saturday then the mandatory Saturdays until I felt like I was walking down an endless tunnel.
Somehow my amazing daughter was almost a decade and I had missed the majority of it turning wrenches. On the very rare day, an unexpected illness allowed me to actually pick my children up from school, I had no idea where my daughter’s classroom was. I would feel a pit of fear and helplessness any time I needed to request even an hour off for a school performance. I missed countless classroom celebrations, field trips and milestones, all to be this perfect employee. My husband and children took longer vacations than I was allowed. One year both children learned to swim in Florida before I got there because I couldn’t take the time off. When Katy Perry came to town on a Tuesday, I told my husband to take our daughter because heaven forbid I’d be out past ten making memories with my girl on a work night.
I decided enough! No more weekend Mom! No more guilt trips that
I was always working! Paychecks are great, benefits even better but my sneaky little girl turned ten last week and I somehow worked away a decade of her childhood without even blinking.
“They” say the most important thing you can give your children is TIME. I’ll take a gamble on that and hang up my wrenches for bit. I think it’s worth the risk. 🙂
