“I would only lose weight if it affected my health or my sex life,
which it doesn’t.”
-Adele
I just returned from a ten day vacation in Florida with my family which is obviously nothing to complain about. The problem was skipping the gym for ten days, staying in a condo with unforgiving full length mirrors and returning home what feels like a thousand pounds heavier.
I’ve pretty much always had a hate/hate relationship with the gym. I wasn’t into team sports as a kid, another only child symptom. I’ve eternally had a serious sweet tooth and love for anything covered in cream sauce so I’ve been perpetually on the curvy end of the spectrum, far, far from the Calista Flockhart body type.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I called to cancel my gym membership. Not really cancel, just put on hold during my pregnancy. The gym employee told me I could only put my membership on hold for three months.
“But I’m going to be pregnant for forty weeks!” I exclaimed.
“You can still work out even if you’re pregnant.” she calmly explained.
Not this girl. By the time Bella was born, I weighed 205 pounds (!) by taking care not to deny myself a single midnight Taco Bell run or any strange pregnancy craving. I was smarter with my second child, only gaining 30 pounds instead of the more than double the “recommended” gain of 65 pounds I packed on in preparation for my daughter, mostly because I realized what an awful lot of work losing fifty pounds actually is! I understand that I’ll never regain my pre-pregnancy body. Like most of us, I wish I took the time to appreciate my 20’s figure while I still had it.
I also understand that I pretty much exercise only to counteract all the delicious crap I eat. I believe life is too short to eat only kale and quinoa so if I have to run one mile for every Oreo, it’s worth it. I don’t prescribe to any of that nothing tastes better than skinny feels bullshit. If only the gym wasn’t such a major pain in the ass!
Reasons I hate the gym:
1) When the televisions in the cardio area are all tuned to cooking shows. I don’t ever want to watch Paula Deen or her obsession with butter but I certainly don’t want to see food or people cooking while I’m exercising.
2) All the twenty somethings in their full on makeup. This is 24 Hour Fitness, not Match.gym!
What kind of monster wears false eyelashes to the gym?!
3) Getting on a machine only to find out it’s broken. Or the clock in the women’s locker room that had the wrong time for three months before they simply removed it. Or the inner shower door handle that has been broken for a year which would take a $4 new fixture and two screws to replace!
4) The nasty parking garage stairwell that has never been cleaned as long as I’ve had a membership.
5) Women who can’t dry off in the shower or pool areas and leave a trail of wet spots on the locker room floor and benches.
Apparently, this is how you weigh yourself “soaking wet”.
6) People who sweat profusely and don’t bother to wipe their sweat off the machines when they’re done using them. Nasty!
7) The guy on the treadmill behind me open mouthed coughing for thirty minutes straight while I work out. Cover your freaking mouth or stay home! Common decency!
8) Bringing my children to the “Kid’s Club” only to wait in the hallway until other children are picked up because the club is always understaffed. Especially when I pay an extra $20 monthly for the kid’s club membership.
9) Women who decide the gym, instead of a coffeehouse or their living room, is the perfect place to catch up, screeching and cackling loudly to each other over their stationary bikes, huffing and puffing, oblivious to anyone else who might be trying to read a book or enjoy a peaceful moment away from their riotous offspring.
10) Stepping naked and sweaty into their showers only to realize that all the hot water has left the building.
11) The fact that no matter how many times I go to the gym, half the time I manage to forget to pack something necessary in my gym bag. Last week, it was socks and chapstick on the same freaking day which made for a frustrating workout.
12) Somehow, the large bathroom stall in the women’s bathroom is always locked with no one in it. I asked at the front desk if someone keeps locking it and crawling under? (So gross to even think about anything but flip flops or gym shoes touching the bathroom floor!) They seem to think the stall door locks itself, if it is shut too hard which is practically impossible. so I’m resigned to using one of the three of tiny stalls where you literally have to sit on the toilet to shut the door.
13) Just the overall disgustingness of 50+ people sweating together in one place, hawking loogies and dripping sweat from the bimbettes to the roid ragers.
Centipedes on the restroom floor.
14) Last but not least, of course, the goddamn smug pregnant women, glowing instead of sweating, proving to me that yes you CAN (and probably should) exercise during pregnancy.
Just had to rant there for a minute. Truthfully, I’ve found that the angrier I am, the better workout I have so surrounding myself with all these things that make my blood boil has actually helped me try to stay fit. And while I’d love to be thirty pounds lighter, I also LOVE to eat so I just chant to myself while I stair step or spin:
“Four cheese ravioli,
Cadbury cream eggs,
Au gratin potatoes,
Sea salt caramels.’
Whatever works 🙂
