5 Ways I’ve Already Failed at Parenthood

“That’s a fine looking high horse.”

Take Me To Church -Hozier

      I’ve been at this parenting game a little over a decade now. Most nights, I sleep all right but there have been several nights I’ve lied awake, mind buzzing with all the mistakes I’ve already made, several instances where I’m sure I’ve scarred my children for life. True, I like to joke about it now and then but I thought writing a list might actually help me to remedy these bad behaviors.

     I realize there are several “failures” I can no longer rectify:

–I didn’t breastfeed “long enough.” I’m not sure who determines the correct time slot but with both babies I had 3-4 months maternity leave before returning to a full time position as an automotive technician at a Volkswagen dealership. There wasn’t a women’s bathroom or locker room in our shop because there weren’t any female mechanics. I had to use the restroom on the dealership showroom floor. I diligently brought my breast pump to work for about a month, dragging it out to the showroom lady’s room various times a day, freezing my milk in the break room fridge until it became too tedious. I began raiding the cupboards in my pediatrician’s exam room for free samples and my breastfeeding days were soon over. Six months tops for both kids, I can hear the disgusted sighs already from the breast milk advocates.

–Second, both my kids used pacifiers. Probably for too long. We weaned my daughter off her “paci” when her brother was born, at about two and a half so at least she wasn’t entering kindergarten with the thing still leashed to her shirt but I can tell you I’d rather pay the orthodontist bills than spend the rest of my life in prison charged with shaking a baby. Those pacifiers were lifesavers LITERALLY! One dentist I spoke to told me Bella’s under bite is something she was born with and not something I caused with our pacifier dependency. I guess you can blame her future years in head gear on genes instead of my poor parenting skills. 🙂

      Not much I can do about bad teeth or lack of nutrient rich breast milk these days but are a few things I can change about the way I parent.

1) I yell– kind of often. I know it’s a crappy thing to do but after saying, ” jackets and backpacks” a thousand times sometimes shouting gets results. I can hear my voice in my daughter’s snotty comments to her brother on occasion and I’d much rather she mimic my better actions.

2) My kids love junk food. I’m not saying I feed it to them exclusively but if my son could survive on chicken nuggets alone, he’d be ecstatic. Ecstatic and FAT! My kids love fruit too so we’re doing something right there. They eat processed foods, bad sugars, etc. They have dessert every night. I’m pretty sure their toothpaste is even bubblegum flavored but they’re both fit and healthy. I don’t want to raise my kids without treats. If  Jamo occasionally has Cool Ranch Doritos for breakfast, he’ll survive. I don’t want to give them any food or body issues by eighty sixing all the delicious, bad-for-you so we practice moderation.

3) My kids are addicted to video games. They watch television daily and they’re obsessed with Minecraft. They’re also both on basketball teams, ski regularly, and my daughter is usually reading at least three books at once. I know some parents don’t allow children to play on the I-pads or I-phones. Some families don’t even own a TV! (the horror!) I’m not one of these parents. Again, we use moderation when it comes to technology. Honestly, it’s a great threat to have if they’re misbehaving to ground them from video games. When they were younger, we used educational apps that taught basic math and alphabet skills. Every Friday  we have family movie night. Sure, we’re all sitting in front of the boob tube together but we’re TOGETHER. I love introducing them to my favorites like Princess Bride or Fifth Element. It’s 2015! I know some parents frown on television or video games for their children but Minecraft is a fantastic imagination tool. I know my kids are learning technology skills I’ll be able to utilize when I’m old and need their help figuring out the latest new-fangled invention.

4) We’ve raised our children pretty religion-free so far. I don’t really believe in most religions. I think it would be awesome to believe someone has this great plan for me and is always watching out for us but I don’t have that crutch. Too many bad things happen all over the world every day for me to believe someone has a reason for all this. Too many religions hide their hatred, judgment, and racism behind their beliefs. Whenever I’m feeling super stressed or overwhelmed, I like to read Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series to gain perspective. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. My children have picked up on all kinds of random religious ideas from their friends but I want them to figure out what they want to believe in for themselves.The only thing I got out of church when I was young was the feeling of being unworthy. I don’t want that for my brood so I’m teaching them right and wrong and leaving fear and God out of it.

5) I’m pretty bad at following through. If I ground Jameson from videogames for a week for being disruptive in school, I usually make it about five days before I cave. Every night, our bedtime ritual includes story time with Dad and snuggle time with Mom. Snuggle time is my daily one-on-one time with each child. Some teacher in Jameson’s elementary career implemented a “highs and lows” sharing time in her classroom where they would go around the circle, each child naming the high and low part of the day. I’ve stolen this technique and use it during snuggle time as a way to catch up with each child every night. Truth is, most days my “high” IS snuggle time, getting to hug  my kiddos tight and marvel at the funny little people they’re growing into.  Some days, if they’re bickering or misbehaving the punishment will be “half a snuggle” or no snuggle.  My son always asks if he can earn his snuggle back before bedtime and I usually let him because snuggle time is my favorite time but I know following through on my snuggle-free bedtime will teach them to make better choices next time. Follow through is tough but so is being a grown up and a parent so I resolve to work on all of these shortcomings.

      I realize our own parents had their own blunders, roller skating and chain smoking during pregnancy. 🙂 I know a few kids who “drove” on Dad’s lap or rode facing backwards in the trunk of their parent’s station wagon. I try to improve on the last generation’s parenting, by making sure my children have helmets, lifejackets or whatever protective gear necessary for their extra curricular activities.  My children received all their vaccinations. I still let them drink from drinking fountains. I strive to make good parenting decisions but I refuse to bubble wrap them through life.

       I remember before I had children of my own, secretly judging the parenting skills any time I saw a child with a raspy cough, booger covered face, or finger up their nose. Now I fall into the “glass houses” category. Children get colds, Moms can’t wipe faces 24/7 and as much as I complain, I can’t keep my son from eating boogers. I even tell him he’ll get a new freckle for every booger he eats, but he isn’t deterred.  It’s very easy to judge a person’s Mom aptitude when you don’t have your own children. The Mom to Mom comparisons have also gotten out of hand. This is not a competition, there are no medals. To the lady in the Target checkout, with your rolling eyes and loud, exasperated sighs, when my kids are crowding you or bickering in line, I know I’m not the best parent.  I’m working on it so save your sighs. I am my own worst critic so trust me I’m aware of all these mistakes. The dream for this insomniac is to feel confident in my parenting decisions without the worry that comes with raising people. To my fellow Moms, who judge the way I’m raising my brood with sugar, screaming and Silent Hill (just kidding!) without scripture or Satan, regardless of our beliefs, we are all parents, doing our best.

      “Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can and hold our breath,

and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”

-Michelle Pfeiffer