Halfway to 90
This week I will be turning 44. I wanted to put an exclamation at the end of that sentence but I’m really not feeling it. Somehow I’m shocked that the years keep flying by and mortified to be “over the hill” but I know I’m not alone so I created a checklist to commiserate with my fellow Gen Xers tired of being called Boomers.
You don’t look a day over forty….
You look a million days over forty!
-Unknown
If you opted for “real” health insurance this year to the tune of $475 per month just for you without a ridiculous $8000 deductible after spending 2019 seeing multiple specialists including a urologist, a podiatrist, an osteopath etc. because your body is literally falling apart and you can’t believe how you used to take for granted waking up every morning refreshed without feeling like a creaky Tin Man stepping out of bed with aches and pains, (sometimes new ones acquired mysteriously while sleeping) you might be halfway to 90.
Silly side note: After developing rather painful plantar fasciitis as one does in their forties with multiple podiatrist visits to clear the pain up including sending sound waves into my heel, cortisone shots into the arch of my foot and oral anti-inflammatories , my husband collapsed to the floor one morning in a puddle of debilitating pain far worse than anything I had previously experienced, almost requiring crutches for the first painful steps waking up and stretching. I dubbed his ailment MANtar fasciitis because it was clearly ten times worse than whatever I had already gone through.
Are you there God? It’s me, 40 something Margaret.
Listen-boys, bras, periods? I now realize I actually want NONE of them.
-4boysmothers.com
If you’re starting to notice you suddenly have old lady hands, liver spots included and the skin on your neck resembles that thing dangling on turkeys but you still have that oily T-zone area that has given you zits since your long ago teen years and clearly will continue to follow you to your grave, you might be halfway to 90.
If four vodka sodas at Friday night’s Yacht Rock Revue have scrambled your brain in new, exciting hangover ways or, on the flip side, if your most exciting weekend plans are the windshield replacement you scheduled in your driveway Saturday at noon, you might be halfway to 90.
Welcome to your 30’s. A cauliflower substitute has replaced all the carbs you love and the only joy you get is watching shows about murder.
Welcome to your 40’s. Eating cauliflower didn’t make a goddamn difference and now you root for the killer in most of the shows.
Welcome to your 50’s. Hairs as white as cauliflower and you might actually be a suspect in one of these shows.
-Hot Mess Mom
If your crankiness is suddenly on a hair trigger where any of the following can easily send you into a blind rage:
- Auto-flushing toilets that splash the seat with disgusting toilet water to sit in or splash your ass if they flush while you remain seated
- Idiot drivers without taillights and only daytime running lights on the highway at night because they can’t take the time to learn how to operate their shiny new vehicle
- Toilet stalls so small you have to straddle the seat to close the door behind you
- Teenagers or any reminder of your wasted youth
……you might be halfway to 90.
I wish I had some advice to give or maybe a silver lining but its looking a little bleak. At least, I suppose, I survived middle school and have retirement to someday look forward to.
