Quarantine Pleas
A little ditty I wrote about these strange daysđ¤đŹđđ
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Hoping Mechanisms
You guys! What a time to be alive! A strange, terrifying, sometimes mind numbing time. The job I do most prominently is delivering parts to truck stops and service stations all around CO, WY, NE wherever they need us so I haven’t really been laid off or forced to work from home just yet. This means I haven’t had the chance to finally watch Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones but I know lots of people, my husband especially (real estate is still open as an essential business in CO but not many people are shopping during these gloom and doom times) who are starting to get restless. If you know me, you probably think “hoping mechanisms” is something hokey I would never actually say because I’m kind of a surly asshole sometimes, full disclosure. After hours on the internet, reading articles about nurses with bruised faces from ill-fitting equipment or none even available or about Not My President calling the Governor of Michigan a “young female” he is refusing aid to because he doesn’t like to be criticized, (can’t believe I spelled that correctly on the first shot) âŚ. it’s easy to feel hopeless. My Facebook memories were a plate of gravy fries and my daughter with a lizard hanging from her chin this morning-reminders of the flight to Florida we postponed today and the restaurant I won’t be dining in anytime soon. Sigh…
I was thinking of writing a Do’s and Don’ts list to surviving this apocalypse but really, who am I to label something a Don’t? I’ve been dreaming about smoking cigarettes ever since I quit twenty something years ago and lately the urge to pick the habit back up has seemed like a great coping mechanism, so I won’t label anything a good or bad idea. Just wanted to share some things that are helping me to pass the sleepless nights:
- Be creative. Our couples therapist reached out via email to check in and recommended writing. It is a form of therapy for me which is why I’m sitting here at the computer instead of finishing the last episode of Tiger King or starting season three of Ozark. (other great suggestions) Start a journal, written, video or anyway you can. These are historic times we will be supposedly telling our grandchildren about and I can promise you, my memory is already shit so taking a moment to write your experience down or record it in some way may have the same cleansing, purging feeling I get from writing.
- Find the good. It’s easy with all the news these days to feel super discouraged. I follow Upworthy and Tanksgoodnew on Instagram, among many others so I can read about puppies exploring empty aquariums or entire neighborhoods applauding healthcare workers on their way home from endless shifts because I need these spirit lifters to remember there are good people out there, everywhere.
- Paint you own nails, open your own home salon and practice hair styles on any willing participants. Learn to French braid. Learn an instrument. Write a poem. Cook a new dish. If only I could feel that burning desire to start the deep cleaning I hear is prevalent in households across the nation. Cross stitch! Sew masks!!!!
- Exercise or don’t. It’s a fantastic stress reliever but I realize not everyone has the equipment or desire to maintain your workout routine from home. You don’t need a dog to go on a walk but you do need Vitamin D. My husband has the metabolism of a methhead and the ability to snack endlessly when he’s not chewing copious amounts of Nicorette gum-all reasons you may see me on the next season of Snapped if I don’t get picked for My 600 lb. Life after all this. I, on the other hand, have been fighting off the baby weight from my now twelve year old for what feels like all my life so exercise staves off any self-loathing I might feel after my fourth handful of Whopper Robin Eggs, taking a moment to appreciate the fact that all of these shelter in place orders are coinciding with Easter, the best time of year for candy.
- Perspective. This is a really great one for me. When I start to sink, worrying about all the things I cannot change, I take a moment to make a gratitude list.
- I’m thankful to be working and in a position to feed my family.
- I’m thankful my children are home with me.
- I’m thankful my daughter isn’t a senior, worrying about graduating or college applications.
- I’m thankful this pandemic isn’t some kind of bed bugs or spider nightmare. Everyone jokes it was zombies we wanted but I’m so thankful that isn’t something we’re fighting right now.
- I’m thankful for technology- the option to Facetime the faces I miss and a lifetime of content to stream.
- I’m thankful for teens (NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY IT) vs. toddlers or solitude to shelter in place with. As annoying as they can be, they really don’t need much and would rather not hang out with us.
- I’m thankful for laughter and YouTube with every Stefon from SNL video readily available!
Just taking a moment, before the panic sets in to find some perspective has really helped and if every day is Thanksgiving in the way of snacks during this pandemic, I can also find something to feel thankful for every day.
- Re-incorporate the things you love. In my normal life, I see live music all the time. When I’m not listening to murder podcasts (SSDGM!), I’m rotating my favorite songs on different playlists and pumping myself up at the gym with my workout mix. It took me awhile to realize that without the gym or shows, I was missing the music intake I thrive on. Whether it’s lying on the basement carpet with my headphones on blast, listening to The Cure Disintegration start to finish or watching the multitude of live streams from so many of my favorite artists who (unlike Tyler) are actually taking requests!!!!!!! -to blasting a favorite jam for a mid-morning mid-stairway dance break or taking my headphones with me to walk Disco the dog with a new bounce in my step, I can start to feel like myself again, unwilted by bringing back music.
I tend to ramble on so I’ll try to keep this one short. Thanks for reading! Sorry I don’t have answers really but I’m here if anyone needs a shoulder to cry on or has any tips for the Collins fam. Stay healthy, stay sane, and stay the f@ck home whenever possible please!
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Halfway to 90
This week I will be turning 44. I wanted to put an exclamation at the end of that sentence but I’m really not feeling it. Somehow I’m shocked that the years keep flying by and mortified to be “over the hill” but I know I’m not alone so I created a checklist to commiserate with my fellow Gen Xers tired of being called Boomers.
You don’t look a day over forty….
You look a million days over forty!
-Unknown
If you opted for “real” health insurance this year to the tune of $475 per month just for you without a ridiculous $8000 deductible after spending 2019 seeing multiple specialists including a urologist, a podiatrist, an osteopath etc. because your body is literally falling apart and you can’t believe how you used to take for granted waking up every morning refreshed without feeling like a creaky Tin Man stepping out of bed with aches and pains, (sometimes new ones acquired mysteriously while sleeping) you might be halfway to 90.
Silly side note: After developing rather painful plantar fasciitis as one does in their forties with multiple podiatrist visits to clear the pain up including sending sound waves into my heel, cortisone shots into the arch of my foot and oral anti-inflammatories , my husband collapsed to the floor one morning in a puddle of debilitating pain far worse than anything I had previously experienced, almost requiring crutches for the first painful steps waking up and stretching. I dubbed his ailment MANtar fasciitis because it was clearly ten times worse than whatever I had already gone through.
Are you there God? It’s me, 40 something Margaret.
Listen-boys, bras, periods? I now realize I actually want NONE of them.
-4boysmothers.com
If you’re starting to notice you suddenly have old lady hands, liver spots included and the skin on your neck resembles that thing dangling on turkeys but you still have that oily T-zone area that has given you zits since your long ago teen years and clearly will continue to follow you to your grave, you might be halfway to 90.
If four vodka sodas at Friday night’s Yacht Rock Revue have scrambled your brain in new, exciting hangover ways or, on the flip side, if your most exciting weekend plans are the windshield replacement you scheduled in your driveway Saturday at noon, you might be halfway to 90.
Welcome to your 30’s. A cauliflower substitute has replaced all the carbs you love and the only joy you get is watching shows about murder.
Welcome to your 40’s. Eating cauliflower didn’t make a goddamn difference and now you root for the killer in most of the shows.
Welcome to your 50’s. Hairs as white as cauliflower and you might actually be a suspect in one of these shows.
-Hot Mess Mom
If your crankiness is suddenly on a hair trigger where any of the following can easily send you into a blind rage:
- Auto-flushing toilets that splash the seat with disgusting toilet water to sit in or splash your ass if they flush while you remain seated
- Idiot drivers without taillights and only daytime running lights on the highway at night because they can’t take the time to learn how to operate their shiny new vehicle
- Toilet stalls so small you have to straddle the seat to close the door behind you
- Teenagers or any reminder of your wasted youth
⌅you might be halfway to 90.
I wish I had some advice to give or maybe a silver lining but its looking a little bleak. At least, I suppose, I survived middle school and have retirement to someday look forward to.
Gotta Love the World Wide Web
Our dryer gave up on me amidst a holiday hell month. Push any button and nothing happens, I checked the breakers I unplugged and replug it in etc. nothing. With no desire to shop for a new appliance or willingness to spend the money, I turned to Google and YouTube my favorite partners in troubleshooting. There is an article or DIY video about any question you could possibly ask. I found the most likely source of my issue and made a video of my own:
Raising Teenagers
I read a hilarious blog this week about teaching middle school written in the old Jeff Foxworthy style “you might be a redneck if….insert punchline.” I’m well aware that teaching any grade is definitely not the career for me as I’m currently struggling under the burden of managing only two children. A classroom of thirty plus hormonal walking time bombs is the stuff of my nightmares. I am also certainly never going to be a stand up comedian when I grow up but I do have a list of my own to share. I wish it was chockful of helpful advice, but I’m just winging it like the rest of you bewildered parents, often poorly. In fact, send your helpful tips or secrets my way please!!!
“Teenagers scare the living shit out of me
They could care less, as long as someone’ll bleed”
Teenagers by My chemical romance
- If your New Year’s Eve “shenanigans” entailed making sure a boisterous group of freshman and your middle school son did not get high OR pregnant in your basement, raising teenagers might be for you.
- If the sad realization has dawned on you that you’re only good for cash or rides, raising teenagers might be for you.
- If your fifteen year old daughter recommends an adults only vacation when you mention the desire to escape the holidays next year with a trip to Mexico because she no longer desires to travel with her parents or little brother and also foolishly believes she’ll somehow be left unsupervised with the house to herself for days on end, raising teenagers might be for you. This, of course, after her not cheap trip to Spain last summer with her Spanish class ended with an illustrious and I’m sure scenic ambulance ride to a Chicago emergency room when she fainted and seized in the custom’s line after imbibing multiple energy drinks on the long flight back to America to the tune of $4300 in medical bills which sadly didn’t even dent her yearly deductible and also was not covered under our accident insurance policy because teenage stupidity is not an accident.
- If you reluctantly check your ear lobe for a drop of blood, certain your ears must be bleeding after hearing your son (once your baby) proudly referring to his penis as his COCK, raising teenagers might be for you.
- If you find yourself searching for a new pediatrician after the tongue lashing you gave your current doctor’s billing department for the $150 “surgery” charge on your daughter’s well visit bill for removing gravel from her ear, raising toddlers might be for you. Just kidding! Raising teenagers might be for you! She is fifteen not two and supposedly smart enough not to stick a blueberry up her nose but somehow wound up with rocks in her ear like she’d just left the sand box. During her checkup, including a routine hearing check, the nurse spotted some dirt in her ear. Without consulting her father in the waiting room for permission to operate on a minor, the nurse took maybe fifty seconds to scoop the offending dirt from her ear canal and now I’m looking at a bill for $150 with descriptive words like incision and surgery though neither actually took place. Don’t even get me started on how wack our healthcare system is, but DAMN! Teenagers are expensive!
- If you spent your Christmas present massage time brainstorming ideas for your practically abandoned blog because that is the first extended stretch of peace you’ve had since barely surviving hell week unscathed and you halfway convinced your husband and your marriage counselor that writing is your therapy when they ganged up on you repeatedly agreeing that you need to see a therapist of your own…., raising teenagers might be for you.
- If hell week used to mean however many days the kids are off of school for the holidays but has somehow been extended from Halloween night when your son started the evening crying alone in his room refusing to trick-or-treat because his so-called “friends” with their matching sound cloud rapper costumes decided to blacklist him for this most special holiday and exclude him from any of their plans, raising teenagers might be for you. This year hell week started Halloween night and stretched all the way to January 7th when the kids finally went back to school. Honestly, it might last six more years until he’s eighteen or never end at all. I can just tell you the last several months have been a nightmare of “mean boys” and my son’s stomped on self esteem, and my insane restraint in not throat punching several pubescent boys who have no concept of how hurtful it is or more likely believe it’s hilarious to constantly make plans with 4 out of 5 members of the old boy band even going so far as to say “my parents don’t like you” or “there’s not enough room in the car” then waving goodbye and shouting sorry out the window as one oblivious mom picks them all up from the mall except my broken hearted child. And I was foolishly worried about my daughter and the “mean girls”. Of course, amidst all of this life lesson learning about how to make real friends and how I don’t remember most of the assholes I went to middle school or high school with, we had to somehow survive Thanksgiving, Christmas, New year’s and all the BS and stress that comes with my absolute Scroogey least favorite time of the year.
- If reliving this teenage drama is ripping the Band aid off your own unresolved scars from barely surviving adolescence as you experience with your children new and exciting forms of torture designed to squish hopes and dreams like the blackheads dotting their nose creases, raising teenagers might be for you.
“Days like this I don’t know what to do with myself, all day, and all night.I wander the halls, along the walls and under my breath I say to myself-I need fuel to take flight.”
Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple
- If you have decided that Snapchat is the bane of every parent’s existence with it’s auto deleting secret text messages and group chats, to it’s super helpful map that can show you the location of all your “friends” especially when the four of them are clearly at the mall food court after telling your lonely son they were too tired to hang, raising teenagers might be for you.
- If you were stupid enough to “power up” to multiple children instead of having just one like your smart friends or having none like your even smarter friends so you’ve spent the last fifteen years cutting cupcakes in half or evening out portions because as many times as you tell them that life isn’t fair they refuse to believe you and insist on equals amount of everything, raising teenagers might be for you. This is especially frustrating during the holidays when you stupidly try to shop equally so they each have the same amount of presents under the Christmas tree you could not even be bothered to put up this year when all either of them actually wanted was frickin CASH!!!!! C.R.E.A.M.
- If you have become deaf to their snarky remarks of “OK boomer” to anything, literally anything you say to them because you know adamantly that though you often feel white haired and ancient, you are most certainly Generation X, raising teenagers might be for you.
- If you are far too embarassing to enter the mall or Laser Quest or any other place you so graciously provided a ride to and must instead duck nonchalantly or park a block away, raising teenagers might be for you. This also extends to entering their school, the horror! Though the last time I walked my son into the office, I was greeted by Mr. Franklin, the Dean of Culture saying,” Jameson! Just the person I wanted to see!” Meaning the last thing I wanted to hear as he continued into a diatribe about how my son’s behavior in yesterday’s Language Arts class was this close to a referral and how his distractions are actually derailing the teacher from helping the 28 other students in her class from understanding her lesson. Probably the real reason my son didn’t want me entering the school to sign in his excused tardy, not my bed head and gym outfit. Sidenote: I’ve nicknamed him Fresh Start Franklin because that is the lame slogany BS he spouts anytime Jameson is in trouble, we will forget about this infraction and begin new with a fresh start tomorrow instead of constantly hawkeying my son waiting for the next miss step even going so far as to accuse him of graffiti on the playground which Jameson denied. His innocence was confirmed after the security tapes were reviewed but let’s keep spewing that fresh start diatribe until maybe Franklin himself starts to believe it. See also my blog post about raising a troubled child or coping with the strains of an ADHD diagnosis and how to best manage your child’s medication schedule so he can swim instead of sink in middle school. Just kidding! I have no frickin clue what I’m doing on a daily basis, certainly haven’t written that post yet haha!
- If the majority of your posts to Intagram or Facebook are on #flashbackfriday or #throwbackthursday or even #waybackwednesday because you are shocked by how old you are and more scathingly how old your babies became seemingly overnight and they’re both such assholes now the only photos you feel like sharing are the ones when they were still your sweet baby angels (angles) not the extremely uncooperative scowls in any recent pictures. My favorite caption becoming #beforethewar because it does feel like you’re negotiating a war zone anytime the kids are in the same room and you’re so thrilled you decided on more than one child so they would have someone to play with ie. scream at and loathe vs. the pretty lonely only child yet quiet and battle-free childhood you experienced, raising teenagers might be for you.
- If you get a kick out of the startled look on your husband’s face when his phone is finally off silent and he is blasted by the Office theme song as his new ringtone courtesy of your hilarious daughter. Or that week when he didn’t receive any text message notifications and almost bought a new phone before you discovered your son had silenced his notification setting in his phone as a silly prank or a Cat’s in the Cradle cry for more of his father’s attention, raising teenagers might be for you.
“When you comin’ home?
Son, I don’t know when
We’ll get together then.’
Cat’s In The Cradle by Harry Chapin
- If you are praying that your children will decide on a trade like welder or automotive technician (like Mom) because you believe that college is a sham and surviving four to five years of date rape and alcohol poisoning to graduate with thousands in student debt and the skills for a $15 per hour job is a bleak futue , raising teenagers might be for you. They certainly aren’t living in your basement for their entire adulthood
- If you’re ready to discover a hairy drained bathtub without a peep or even the thought to ask you, their wise mother’s advise on the leg shaving right of passage, raising teenagers might be for you.
- If you marvel at how you are somehow even still alive after remembering all the life threatening stupid things you did in your life as you lay awake worrying all night because your genius daughter is not smart enough to keep her “lifeblood” phone charged or to touch base, raising teenagers might be for you. Speaking of that particular favorite (and only) daughter of mine, she came out to us last year and unlike most gender fluid youth of today, I think she’s the real deal so we’re navigating sleepovers with her 17 year old girlfriend though hubby was reluctant. We have okayed because in her words, “No one is getting pregnant…” but still haven’t figured out how this will be fair to her younger brother when he’s not allowed the same girlfriend sleepover pass because we’re hypocrites or just clueless on how to proceed. If anyone would like to write a guide on What to Expect When You’re Raising a Teenage Lesbian or maybe the Hitchhikerâs Guide to the Gay Teen Galaxy, I’d love any kind of advice though I already know DONâT PANIC!
- If you’re favorite past time is warring with your daughter because she inherited all your worst traits like extreme stubborness and difficulty apologizing, raising teenagers might be for you.
- If you somehow wound up with the cool house that the neighborhood kids like to hang out at with an endless supply of ramen, airsoft guns, and Grand Theft Auto and you prefer to have them all under your roof where you can monitor vs. getting drunk in parks like you once did, raising teenagers might be for you. Though finding your towel racks ripped out of the bathroom wall then gingerly replaced like you won’t notice the whole contraption falling to the floor the first time you grab a towel to dry off post-shower or cleaning resin off your bathroom sink because your children’s friends sometimes ignore your drug-free house policy and think the bathroom beneath the master bedroom is the ideal place to sneak a toke are some downfalls to hosting. Also, 3/4s of your jar of sleep inducing melatonin gummies goes missing because teens think they’re worth swiping like Mama’s Little Helper and you soon figure out what should be hidden.
- If you had a lame birthday late in the school year like February and it felt like 1000 years passed before you finally turned sixteen and got your driver’s license. Then you were stoked for your daughter to have an early birthday in October so technically she could be one of the first drivers in her grade and maybe finally help out by schlepping your son around a bit too but she’s so GD lazy that it’s late January and she can’t be bothered to finish the thirty hour driving course necessary to even get her driver’s permit that you purchased back in the fall and now she’ll be LUCKY to get her license by February, raising teenagers might be for you. Though secretly, I’m terrified of the thought of her behind the wheel so I’m not nagging too much.
“Little fifteen, You help her forget
The world outside, You’re not part of it yet
And if you could drive,You could drive her away”
Little 15 by Depeche Mode
Dang! I could probably go on all night. My takeaway is I clearly don’t have any answers. Welcome any suggestions and commiserations and know that I’m not alone this bewilderment that is “raising teenagers”. Assure myself by realizing I somehow made it out the other side without my mother snapping my neck (deservedly) and I value her friendship over most so I hope my kids come back to me eventually.
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My Kids Are Assholes- #parentfail
There I said it. It hurts to admit it, but who am I fooling. Itâs been a long year. A long time since Iâve written a blog post (over a year!!!! ) because truthfully middle school the second time around is kicking my ass. My son is in six grade, my daughter is in eighth grade so both kids are at the same school for this year and itâs pretty much been a constant war zone. It might be hard to determine from my Facebook/Instagram posts with constant concerts and girls trip posts that Iâve been in a funk but if you look closely, youâll notice all of the pictures I post of my children are five years or older because Iâm only posting pictures of when I still liked them. Ha ha.
Me and my brothers, we have tongues, sharp as knives-
The River-Manchester Orchestra
Jameson Gray A.K.A. Rainbow Dash
My son entered middle school after years of multiple hair color choices with a nice array of pink, purple, and blue hair. My snarky devious daughter nicknamed him Rainbow Dash after the My Little Pony and decided to share her special pet name for her brother with the entire middle school. He spent the first few months being called faggot, gay, and wondering why his sister was so cruel. Bella, my daughter, has actually come into her own this year, making a large group of friends-questionable or not. I promised myself I wouldn’t be the mom who picks friends for my children. I was always the friend other parents blamed, the white trash black sheep. I was honestly more scared of middle school for her because I know how awful teen girls can be. Iâm proud of her for making her way. Unfortunately, it seems she can only find success with her foot pressed firmly on her little brotherâs throat.
Cornholios-Before the War
Always Under Her Thumb
We are family, I got all my sisters with me
We Are Family-Sister Sledge
We received phone calls from the school counselor earlier in the school year that Jameson had mentioned suicidal thoughts to a friend. Heâs eleven. We spoke with the counselor and Jameson about this and he blew it off as normal attention seeking comments but clearly the bullying had gotten to him. You always worry about the bullies at school but Jamesonâs bully was living in the room next-door. We got him into counseling immediately and having someone else to talk to definitely helps. He shaved his head during Christmas break so nobody could call him Rainbow Dash anymore. Once the new semester started, somehow, mysteriously his sisterâs new hateful nickname âskinheadâ spread around the school once again.
Mother do you think she’s good enough, for me?
Mother do you think she’s dangerous, to me?
Mother will she tear your little boy apart?
Ooh ah,
Mother will she break my heart?
Mother – Pink Floyd
Donât get me wrong. Jameson is no angel. I know this, we all know this. Donât even get me started on his rotting relationship with my MIL whoâs version of Grandma is like a Tale from the Darkside. He has plenty to discuss with his therapist. During the school year, he has been caught several times with a vape pen, he went to the park to âmeet a friendâ who turned out to be a stranger on Snapchat. Luckily he wasnât murdered and chopped into little pieces! There was another rumor going around the school supposedly from Jamesonâs lips that his fifth-grade girlfriend was good at hand jobs. When I spoke with this girlâs mother, all of us devastated, who Iâve known for years dating back to probably kindergarten, we commiserated by trading horror stories about raising teenagers⌠I mean honestly it was just fantastic to talk to somebody else going through the same kind of struggle.
Favorite Pic of my Twirling Girl
This was also the year that my daughter decided 14 was the perfect age to try pot. After multiple D.A.R.E. talks with her father, re-assuring us always,âIâm too smart for that, I would never say yes,â she came home reeking of weed and fell asleep promptly after making eggs for an afternoon snack. I am not ashamed to admit that I sprang a surprise drug test on her 30 days later to prove that Iâm not messing around. When she says I wonât do it again, she better mean it. Hopefully, she continues to pass.
My daughter has continued to get great grades despite recreationally smoking weed at fourteen so there is a plus side. We have been working with her to share her kindness and empathy with her brother even if she believes heâs somehow the bane of her existence. Jameson has been diagnosed with ADHD and with medication has done a 180, really turning around his school work and most of his attitude. But the Collins family war wages on.
Me at 13- the most scowling girl on the track team
Jason and I were awful awful teenagers. I remember one night at my best friend’s house, her mom told us in the midst of a Miss America pageant party after trying to wrangle a later curfew,âFine! Leave, stay out all night if you want!â So we did just that. Staying at a friend’s house then eventually sleeping in the park while her mother probably worried all night. I remember throwing a roller skate at my motherâs face as she opened my door to get the last word. I remember so many other awful things I did that hopefully she doesnât know about. I know there are plenty of things I did that SHE remembers though Iâve long forgotten. I understand how karma works. I just didnât really think it was going to be this awful.
Jason and I (17 and 18-cradle robber I know) asshole teens 100 years ago
I was warned repeatedly that raising teenagers would be a nightmare but no one ever told me I’d be doing it while simultaneously mourning the loss of my babies and my own youth. Dealing with teenage drama is crappy enough without feeling like I’m also going through the five stages of grief:
Denial that my snuggle bugs with squeezable chubby cheeks and any desire to spend time with Mom have been replaced with these hormonal monsters.
Anger that I will never hold my babies again. Anger that I’m still dealing with acne in my 40’s and sharing that frustration with my teen.
Bargaining with these cheap Target Mom jeans to cooperate and zip up.
Depressed that this new achy, wrinkly body is here to stay.
- And
Acceptance… I havent gotten there yet.
Why didnât I stop at one? Be an only child with an only child? Nobody to fight with, nobody to bully, nobody to torment. I wouldnât have spent years cutting grapes in half. Constantly have to battle with my children over what age either was allowed to do whatever, like be dropped off at the mall or get their first phone, while somehow making a super unfair world constantly balanced and equal.
But look at our lives now
All tattered and torn
We fuss and we fight
And delight in the tears
That we cry until dawn
Hold Me Now- Thompson Twins
Actually, while weâre at it, why not just be a single mom? I wouldnât have to argue over every single decision we made with my husband- co-parenting sucks. Sometimes, teamwork does NOT make the dream work. Iâve honestly suggested he raises Bella and I’ll raise Jameson just because Iâm so tired. And yes I know being a single parent is very very very very very hard but the grass is always greener, isnât it?
I know I wouldnât change a thing. I look at my friends without kids and I understand but I fantasize. To be 43, instead of 13, still having fantasies about running away. I wish I would have done more work on me before starting this motherhood process so maybe when they’re yelling at me I wouldnât scream back in THIS IS ME YELLING! DO YOU LIKE BEING YELLED AT? DOES IT FEEL GOOD BEING YELLED AT? because I know that is shitty parenting. I know I have done plenty of shitty parenting. Pretty sure some good too. I reassure myself by watching shows like Better Things about other moms with kids who are just as disrespectful and mean to them, who love them just as much. Even as I envision my thumbs crisscrossing over their throats as I shake the shit out of them. Even though my son refuses to sleep so what used to be a twenty minute “snuggle” with funny YouTube videos has turned into screen-free time where we craft or carve soap…. in my bed. My own mild OCD is just the latest gift parenthood has given me. At least my room smells fantastic even if Iâm sleeping in slivers of Irish Spring. Looking for pros in what feels like a landslide of cons.
Know absolutely, that I didn’t write this for any “you’re a great mom” feedback. Pretty sure only my own mother and close friends read this stuff anyway. đ¤ I’m an average Mom, often at her wit’s end, often doing a half-assed exhausted job but knowing most of the time these assholes are my best work. It’s been cathartic to write this down. Every post has been like a diary entry to reflect on maybe when the clouds part, knowing we made it through somehow. I’d also love to hear other people’s #parentfails or #kidsareassholes anecdotes. Misery loves company, so they say. Good luck out there!
Good Luck with Your Liver and Other Advice to My Uber and Lyft Passengers
I know I have done  posts in the past about my experience as a rideshare driver but this past week I feel like Iâve only been picking up the DREGS of humanity so I thought maybe itâs time for my third annual installment.  If you missed my previous posts Iâll try and insert some links here:
This might just turn out to be a long winded rant but I am really starting to wonder what is wrong with people? So if I can impart any knowledge for your future Uber or Lyft rides to make the whole experience more pleasant for everyone involved I would like to do that. Basically I think four words could sum it up pretty easily: Donât be a dick! Â But for those people that need further explaining here is more information ie. Â Donât be like these guys:
The Micromanager-
I have been a rideshare driver for over four years now with over 7000 rides under my belt and an average of a 4.85- 4.9 rating out of 5 so I feel like I kind of have this under control. Â Also as a Colorado native of over 40 years, I think I know where Iâm going most of the time. Iâm pretty sure most people hate anyone telling them how to do their job. I donât correct the bank tellers on how to fill out a deposit slip. I donât explain to the cashiers how to ring up my groceries. I donât really understand the people who get in my car and give me turn by turn instructions on how to drive one mile up the road. Especially irksome are the people who call me 10 seconds after I accept their ride request to tell me that Iâm already going the wrong way. Itâs definitely possible that I was on a highway when I received your request and not able to make it over to the exit ramp in time or the far left lane of the intersection so allow me at least a minute to turn around before blowing up my phone with needless directions. If I am lost, in most cases, I will call YOU and ask where you are. Pretty sure thereâs a $300 fine for texting and driving so texting me your brotherâs phone number while Iâm driving to pick up so-called brother isnât exactly helpful. I understand that you probably go to work and home every day and you might actually have a helpful shortcut. I am certainly not opposed to that kind of advice but second by second instructions on which lane to be in and which turn signal to use and the speed limit for example are just over the top. Iâm sorry if you feel out of control in other areas of your life and derive pleasure from being completely controlling of your rideshare driver but please donât do it in my car. My favorite response to these types is, âOh, youâre a native too?â Unless youâve also lived here 40+ years, I donât require the handholding thanks!
The Cheapskate-
Uber and Lyft both have new Pool and Line options where you can share your ride for a discount on your fare. How fantastic for a ride that is already dirt cheap to be half the price right! The problem with Lyft Line and UberPool is that you have to SHARE YOUR RIDE. This means if somebody is going the same direction as you, I get a pick them up and drop them off on YOUR way to YOUR destination. If I picked you up first it doesnât mean that Iâm dropping you off first. Itâs kind of like Super Shuttle. In my experience, itâs a super TIME SUCK which isnât worth ANY discount but people are super cheap. The worst Lyftline and UberPool passengers  are the ones who think they can bring more than two people or change the destination or actually run errands in my vehicle while other strangers are waiting on a ride. Uber even has a new Express Pool feature where you are supposed to wait for me at a designated street corner which pretty much never happens because Uber doesnât explain to their passengers that this is how Express Pool works. I had a woman the other morning who worked in the tech center which is a security clearance gated campus. I had to drive through security gates, show the guard my ID then drive her an extra half mile to her actual building even though with Express Pool she shouldâve got out at the gates and walked her lazy ass the last few blocks.  Express Pool is like the city bus. Imagine you are on a city bus that detours through a security gate or waits outside Walmart for somebody to load 40 bags of groceries or patiently waits at the bus stop for more than two minutes while other people are waiting on the bus to get to work. I know common courtesy is about as common as commonsense these days but who is raising these people?!?!?  I had another UberPool the other day where my passenger asked me to please drive through the CVS pharmacy so that he could drop off his prescription! I explained to him thatâs not how Pool works and he responded I promise Iâll tip you fat ! Out of the 500 or so times somebody has told me âI promise Iâll tip youâ exactly ZERO of them have actually tipped me which I explained to him but I still went to the pharmacy drive-through which made my ride with him even LONGER so I can learn all about his pain pill addiction and failing liver and medical issues. Lucky for me, I was at least able to come up with a title for my new blog…. âGood luck with your liver!â was my  parting comment when he FINALLY got out of my car. Itâs pretty much a given that anybody whoâs trying to save money by taking Pool or Line will NOT be tipping the drivers. Lyft and Uber reap all of the benefits of these new options by being able to charge THREE different passengers for one ride while still paying their drivers for only ONE ride so something to chew on.
The Uncouth-
I originally titled this person the Groomer but after checking the definition for this word it seem to fit perfectly:
un¡couth
ËÉnËkoÍoTH/Submit
adjective
(of a person or their appearance or behavior) lacking good manners, refinement, or grace.
“he is unwashed, uncouth, and drunk most of the time”
synonyms: uncivilized, uncultured, uncultivated, unrefined, unpolished, unsophisticated, bush-league, common, plebeian, low, rough, rough-hewn, coarse, loutish, boorish, oafish, troglodyte
Several examples and requests….
Please do not bring a brush or comb into my vehicle and proceed to brush or comb your hair during your entire ride in my vehicle. Youâre nasty!
Please do not bring your fingernail clippers and clip any kind of nails, fingers or toes!!!!! in my vehicle during your ride. Youâre nasty!
Please do not bring your meal into my car and proceed to open mouth chew in my ear during your entire ride. Youâre nasty!
Please do not open mouth cough in my backseat for your entire 15 minute ride! Youâre nasty! Cover your mouth!
Please do not touch me or any driver at anytime for any reason. I, like most people, do not like being touched by strangers especially when Iâm driving thank you.
PLEASE Donât get into my car with dog shit on your shoe even if you donât know you have dog shit on your shoe!!!!!! So so so gross!!!!!
 .                   
One thing Iâve learned from my years as a rideshare driver is that people are disgusting! Please make your mama proud and try to remember any manners you might have when youâre in my car. Moving on….
The Bad Parent-
I personally have probably found many ways to be a bad parent  and I try not to derive pleasure ( though apparently I really enjoy using the word to derive) by calling people out but some people are just ridiculous. Maybe it is available in other states and other cities but here in Colorful Colorado, minors are not allowed to use rideshare without an accompanying adult. Not sure if I need to repeat that slowly or put it in all caps- SORRY if Iâm blowing your mind here but if youâre under 18, you CANNOT use Lyft or Uber without a grown-up present. Not only is it against the rules (ie. the TOS or terms of service) but if I am driving a minor without an adult present and I get into an accident or any other kind of issue I am not INSURED! Uber and Lyft will not cover the drivers who are breaking the rules, so not only are you putting your under age child in a car with a STRANGER but thatâs stranger is not INSURED for this ride. As a parent, I understand how helpful rideshare would be for the multiple dentist appointments and soccer practices that I just donât want to deal with but please do not put our drivers or your children in these situations.
The other example of a bad parent/passenger is the grown-up who tries to take a Lyft or Uber with a child WITHOUT bringing a proper car seat. If you wouldnât put your child in your momâs car, your friendâs car or your OWN car without a car seat then why should I drive your child without a car seat? The most common excuse I hear is âWeâre not going that far.â Great! Â So I get to risk a childâs life and my livelihood for a four dollar ride yippee! Â The correct response is weâre not going that far because weâre not going ANYWHERE until you provide the correct safety equipment NOT SORRY! When I used to drive a minivan that was applicable for Lyft Plus (up to six passengers), I had a ride request once at a grocery store. When I Â pulled up, there was a mother, a father and two-year-old twins plus three carts full of groceries. I calmly explained to them that Iâd be happy to take a grown-up and all of the groceries but Iâm not taking toddlers in my vehicle without car seats. They had rode the bus to the store, and Dad took the kiddos home on the bus while I drove Mom and the groceries. Sometimes my ratings take a hit for these decisions but my nightmares of children flying through my windshield will safely remain nightmares. I had another couple that had an infant they were taking to the airport and they HAD a car seat but the baby was SLEEPING. They didnât want to wake the baby by strapping him safely into a car seat, they just wanted to hold him in my backseat on the 40 minute ride to DIA. I have yet to win any Mother of the Year awards but come on people!!!! Â What is wrong with you?
The Aloof-
Sometimes I call these people the DFBâs but it really can vary across gender and age.  Usually when I pick people up, I say Hello and confirm their destination. Sometimes my passengers are on a phone call when they get into my vehicle and thatâs fine. I understand and honestly I donât really want to talk to most of you either but not even acknowledging that a human being is driving you to your destination is pretty FUCKING rude. 97% of people finish their phone call and apologize for their rudeness and respond to me once they hangup. Some people even apologize after a quiet ride saying theyâre sorry they were not chatty. Believe me, if I can avoid having  one more conversation about everybody moving to Colorado or the weather or how long Iâve been an Uber driver and whatâs my CRAZIEST story, Iâm honestly grateful.  If you want to hop in my car and talk about your favorite scary movie or the best concert youâve ever seen Red Rocks (to which Iâll quip-my high school graduation was there! even though I hate myself for this stupid humble bragđ¤Śââď¸) or honestly anything but the previous three mentioned topics (CO, rain, rideshare) those are my best passengers. BUT if youâre not even on a phone call and you canât respond to my âHi, how are you?â without an eye roll or a stony glance, you should probably just walk.đđźÂ Sure you think youâre better than me and you probably are. Iâm just a lowly rideshare driver. And maybe you all are tired of hearing me bitch about this job but I do it for the kids man!
                   
For the ability to be my own boss, choose my own super flexible hours, head up the hills to ride a fresh foot of snow on a Monday, attend the egg drops and chaperone the Ameritowne field trips, without asking anyoneâs permission for the morning or afternoon off, to raise this unruly pair of ungrateful kids who have my whole heart đđđ!
Thank you for the free therapy writing this blog (Angry rant?) affords me. Maybe try to be kind to each other and cover your coughs FFS!
Has Been-Landlord
 Part 2- Landlord
I decided to do a new series of posts about all the different jobs I’ve had called Has Been. The tagline for my website is Mom/Mechanics-Many Hats because I’ve had a lot off different careers already and sometimes I still feel like one of those circus performers with all the plates spinning. If I’m lucky, I can remind myself “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” If you missed the first post in my Has Been series, here’s a quick link so you can catch up:
The next post in my Has Been series is about the joys of being a landlord. My husband has been in the real estate business for the past 13 years. We purchased our first condo in 1999 sold it doubled our money and put that down on a house in 2001. The housing market in Denver is ridiculous right now. Some people think that it’s not worth buying them because the houses are so much but  The same house that you might want to wait six months to purchase could have $20,000+ in equity by the time you buy it down the road which could have been your $20,000 or $20,000 more that you’re paying for the same house.  As you know, I do all sorts of different part-time gigs in order to continue my soccer mom lifestyle and with my husband as a realtor this means we don’t really have a plan for retirement. No one is offering us a 401(k) so we decided to invest our money in real estate.  Let me preface this by saying that I’m no expert but my husband is or knows lenders who are so if anybody has any questions feel free to reach out, you can do this too! Because we purchased our house in 2001 we have a lot of equity in it meaning we were able to pull a HELOC (home equity line of credit) to use as a down payment on another house. The simple math of it is we paid $225,000 for a house, it’s now worth upwards of $400,000 because we only owed $180,000 we were able to  take a line of credit out for $100,000 to put a down payment on a house second house.  You don’t need $100,000 as a down payment on a second house, this is just the amount the max amount of the loan if we needed it. If you were purchasing a second home that is not going to be a primary residence you have to put at least 20% down. If you are purchasing a home that you are moving into that will be your primary residence and renting your own home then you may only have to put 3% down. The amount of money you put down will obviously determine the amount of money you have to finance. Your mortgage payment is based on how much the loan is so it is to your benefit to put as big a down payment as possible but none of us are made of money so you do the best you can. The rental market in Denver is nuts. It’s actually starting to freak me out whether or not my children will be able to afford to live here or if they’ll be stuck in my basement until they’re 45! This is a huge disadvantage for people who are paying rent in Denver but a great advantage for people who have rental homes in Denver. For example, our first rental home we purchased for $260,000 put 20% down so mortgaged about $200,000. The mortgage payment is $1100 a month and the rent is $2200 a month meaning we’re cash flowing an extra $1100 per month after paying the mortgage. You do have to figure in the amount the HELOC payment will be to repay the line of credit back but for $60,000 I think our payment was about $350 a month which I could easily take from the $1100 additional rent. Honestly if I had 10 of these I could be retired! Of course I wish I would’ve bought 10 of these 10 years ago but hindsight is always 20/20 and who had money twenty years ago!  If you’re like most people and bought your first house in your 20s,  your lifestyle has changed and that house is probably too small for you and your growing family. You can sell that house to buy a bigger house or you can use the equity in your original house as a down payment on a newer bigger better house and keep the old house as a rental income so it can keep making money for you. Not only are we making an additional thousand dollars plus per month on our first rental but somebody else is paying that mortgage for us (the renters) They’re paying for our second house for us and down the road 30 years from now they will have paid off the $190,000 that we mortgaged plus the house will increase in value so $$$$! I know it’s a whole lot of math. As a former auto mechanic, I’m not fantastic at math but I do understand if somebody else is paying a mortgage for me but I get to keep the equity that’s super beneficial and hopefully enough to retire on some day. As I already said, I’m definitely no expert when it comes to lending and mortgages etc. but I know a lot of great people who can answer any questions including my hubby so feel free to hit him up. We are about to close on our fifth house so one thing I feel I may know a thing or two about is how to be a landlord so here are my tips on that side of this coin.
The first step is finding renters. I usually use free sites like Craigslist or Next Door or Facebook to post ads looking for renters. Craigslist is very easy to use and free! Â Make sure you have everything you want in your description for example pets/no pets, smoking/non-smoking, include lots of photos. The next-door app is a great resource for finding out about everything going on in your neighborhood (maybe more than you need to know some times) and a great place to post about a house for rent. It is also a valuable resource for finding local tree trimmers, plumbers, recommendations for any kind of handyman you might need with your new rental property. Once you’ve created an ad on Craigslist and published it, there’s an easy link that you can copy and paste to your Facebook page or share to other Facebook groups you belong to. Ask your friends to share as well. I use Rentometer.com to get a feel for what I think rents will go for at my house taking into consideration of course how nice the finishes are, garage, basement etc.
 Do your best to sell your new place including lots of details like close proximity to light rail stations, great schools, quiet neighborhood, washer/dryer included, whatever works. Once you have people calling, wanting to check out the place,  if they’re interested in renting your house I always have them fill out a rental application. I found a pretty simple one online but I also use Mysmartmove.com which is a fantastic way to do background checks.  This website has the option to have your possible tenants pay for the background check instead of you footing the bill. Most people who are willing to drop $40 for a rental application are serious about moving in. Mysmartmoves background checks include criminal history, credit scores, lots of good info but I always meet with all of my tenants and make sure that it feels like they’re the right fit for me.
I usually ask for at least a year lease. If I give somebody a six-month lease then I’m looking for tenants all over again in six months and if we go too long like a two year lease than you don’t have the opportunity to raise the rent based on increases in market value.  You should be able to google and download a generic lease and adjust it to fit your needs. I always put in my lease the rent is due on the first day of the month. There is a $50 late fee per day for any rent paid after the first. This usually deters people from paying late but it’s still very difficult sometimes to make a millennial understand adulting.  When I meet with my tenants to sign a lease and put down a deposit, I go over all of my expectations with them. My number one expectation is that rent will be paid on the first!  I won’t have to call you or track you down or hear “you’ll gladly pay me on Tuesday.” There are fantastic apps like Venmo or PayPal that tenants can use to pay me without me ever even seeing them.
Handy Venmo App
I don’t really appreciate late night cash deliveries. This means I have to make a trip to the bank. It’s 2017, let’s use all of the great technology available to us to make life easier.  We expect our tenants to make a first and last months deposit before moving in but I also state clearly in the lease if there’s damage above or beyond done to the house that is not covered by the deposit, the tenants will be responsible for repairing any damage over the amount of their deposit CYA! We also require a $300 non-refundable pet deposit per animal.  I love animals as much as the next person but they can do a whole lot of damage to carpets or properties. I don’t really want to be the one paying for that damage. I also state in the lease that it’s a non-smoking house, again protecting my assets. Everyone who is living in the house needs to be on the lease meaning they’ve had a background check and I don’t have 10 people living in my two bedroom home.  Being straightforward and honest with your tenants about your rental agreement is a great way to have success.  We are learning as we go with this and each new house we acquire with new tenants teaches us a new lesson like give them an inch they will take a mile. Or don’t make any promises. We had the air conditioning unit go out on one of our houses mid August this year. It’s a 1000 square-foot house so we just went to Home Depot and bought a portable AC unit that they could roll around from room to room. As much as I would love to drop $3000 replacing the air conditioning unit, I’m not going to do it at the end of summer so I definitely didn’t set my tenants up with that expectation. You also want to be clear with your tenants what bills  they will pay, for example cable and electricity. We always have our tenants pay the water bill. Water bills can vary based on super long showers, over sprinkling the lawn whatever so if the tenant is responsible for that bill, they’re usually good about being stingier with the water. We always keep the water bills in our name and have them sent to our home then forward them on to our renters. Unlike cable or electric bills, in the state of Colorado, a delinquent water bill goes against the owner of the property, not the tenant. You could even incur a lien on your property if your account goes unpaid for too long or have collectors come after you. We have lawnmowers at each of our houses but we expect the tenants to take care of the yards.  It’s also pretty easy to install electronic door knobs on the front doors so you can punch in a key code to open them. I bought mine for about $100 at Home Depot and installed it in half an hour with only a screwdriver. It even came with a 9V battery. This makes it easier for you not to carry around four different sets of keys and if there’s any maintenance work that needs to be done you can easily get in and out of the house.
Keep the receipts for any money you spend on your rentals i.e. blowing out the sprinklers, tree trimming, remodels, making copies of keys, buying electronic door knobs. These are all tax write offs. Speaking of tax write offs, and I’m definitely no expert on this, you usually don’t have to pay a lot of taxes on your rental income because the interest on the mortgage is deductible, along with depreciation on the house  and any money spent on repairs.
One other thing to consider in Colorado, is whether to allow your tenants to grow marijuana on your property. This can be a lucrative endeavor for you without “getting your hands dirty.” Â For our properties with detached garages, we offer the option to grow. We have a grow agreement signed by all tenants and a grow deposit usually around $500 but also written into the agreement any damage above the $500 would be the responsibility of the tenant. Â I had one friend with a rental property who’s tenants decided to grow in his basement and messed with his electrical panel and all sorts of things without bothering to ask so I feel like being straightforward and open with any kind of arrangement hopefully prevents people from doing shady stuff in my homes. The agreements always state they can only only grow within the current laws.
After a garage fire at one of our rentals this summer, we make it mandatory for our tenants to purchase renters insurance. Their property was damaged inside the garage. We were not responsible for this but I think requiring renters insurance, which is crazy cheap maybe $360 per year,is a fantastic way to not get sued for something stupid.
It may seem daunting but if we knuckleheads can handle it, I think it’s pretty easy for anybody. Our first rental house is cash flowing thousand dollars a month. We use that money to pay back the HELOC and eventually hopefully to retire into the sunset. I certainly don’t have all the answers but feel free to absolutely reach out to my charming hubby who can hook you up with lenders or help you find a second house of your own.
One more time, in case you missed it đ
