Fight it, Take the Pain, Ignite It
What a long, strange summer it’s been. It’s not even over yet and the struggle has been real. I’m returning to read and write on my website as a form of therapy and a reminder of (hopefully) how far I’ve come. Re-reading my Coming Out of My Cage and I’ve Been Doing Just Fine post from June 2023 was a great reminder of the friends I’ve leaned on and the amazing people in my life- not to gush.
July was a total shitshow with Jameson crashing his motorcycle in the middle of the night and my own crash a few weeks later. Jamo broke his collarbone, needing surgery but with so many other possible outcomes including never walking again or death, he was so lucky.
I hit a pothole on my Yamaha scooter doing about 30mph and slammed down on my hip and head, cracking my helmet. These old bones certainly felt bashed and bruised for a few weeks, but nothing was broken, and I was also so lucky, thanks to our guardian angels.
“I have done nothing all summer but wait for myself to be myself again.” Georgia O’Keeffe
This quote sums it up perfectly for me and I’m still working on the “myself” part, but I’ve found a few fantastic coping mechanisms including music (ALWAYS) and I wanted to jot down some summer highlights as a reminder for this old brain when I start to feel lost again or swallowed up by (gestures vaguely) whatever life has thrown at me this summer/decade.
Summertime Glimmers:
1- Seeing Third Eye Blind at Red Rocks for the umpteenth time with Jen, my concert co-pilot whom I’ve missed so much this year. Bawling through The Background with her arm around my shoulder, hoping I can be as much her rock.
“I felt you long after we were through. And the plans I make still have you in them.” The Background- Third Eye Blind
Though the song Losing a Whole Year (or 28 years to be accurate) could have been another perfect song in my soundtrack for the past few years post break up (insert lol/awkward emoji) 😁🤣Kidding, of course. Don’t get me wrong, I know ending my relationship was not a mistake. I have no regrets, but 28 years is a huge Band-Aid to rip off, decades of memories and music. Even last night, at Twenty-One Pilots, sitting on opposite sides of the stadium, Jason texted me “My taste in music is your face” during Tear in My Heart, a lyric he wrote to me in a Mother’s Day card years ago. I’m grateful for our friendship even when it’s tricky navigating single life, a 28 yearlong apron string I’m still cutting.
2- Speaking of Twenty-One Pilots, another glimmer, after two nights at Ball Arena last week, I feel like a reinflated balloon. Ten years of being a now #48yearoldfangirl, I LOVE this band, unabashedly. The feeling of family in the arena, fans of all ages, the shared struggles, screaming the lyrics that speak to so many. Music really is my church. As a non-believer in any other higher power or religion, I leave these shows feeling saved, the same cathartic feeling some people get after Sunday’s sermon.
“I’m driving, here I sit, cursing my government. For not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement.” Tear in My Heart-Twenty One Pilots
Cue flashbacks of skidding along Colorado Blvd with my hands up to stop my scooter rolling over me, it’s hard not to hear messages in these songs.
“When times aren’t the best and I’m on the edge. I’ll listen for a song in the distance.” Mulberry Street- Twenty One Pilots
Both nights, when they played Mulberry Street, instead of just a stadium lit up by phone flashlights, magical enough on its own, they had different sections light up each part of the chorus. 20,000 fans creating a light show- that feels like church to me.
Ball Arena flashlight video
3- Going to a new dermatologist, with new insurance, for my annual skin check, after checking my whole body, he said “Round Here?” I looked at him questioningly and he said, “Counting Crows, right?” knowing the tribute song I had tattooed on my forearms after losing Alicia.
“And in between the moon and you. The angels get a better view” Round Here-Counting Crows
This 40 something doctor I’ve never met, knew the song after reading two tattooed lines, not knowing the sad meaning behind the lyric about my guardian angel. Music really is magic😭
4- The ladybugs I keep coming home to on my front door, hoping for the luck they might bring. Such a refreshing change to the summer of spiders I’m horrifyingly mustering through🕷🕸 including a painful, huge bite on my thigh that thankfully wasn’t a tick and a beautiful web some spider spun on the INSIDE door jamb of my truck, the one I spend 40+ hours a week driving, trying to shake the nightmare-inducing certainty that I’m transporting a sack of baby spider eggs inside the Tacoma along with various truck parts!!!!
5- Another concert with a dear friend, Rumours, a Fleetwood Mac cover band. Thankful to Anissa by my side, wiping tears as I listened to Landslide for the thousand time, the lyrics telling the STORY OF MY LIFE.
“Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
Cause I’ve built my life around you
But times makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too” Landslide-Fleetwood Mac
Truer words, hitting differently this year, with all these changes and the disheartening aging journey all my friends are going through.
6- Seeing A Chorus Line with my mom, who has truly been such a wonderful support, standing in as my date to countless shows in the year since she retired. A Chorus Line was performed by the Phamaly Theater Company, celebrating their 35-year anniversary as a creative home for theatre artists with disabilities. The musical is about a dance audition and these actors, with disabilities including deaf actors, blind actors, autistic actors, wheelchair bound actors, BLEW MY MIND! I cry at a lot of shows, this summer apparently all of them but I had goosebumps and tears at this performance.
7- Dinner with Nicole, Blue’s future mother-in-law, A Night with Spirits at the Melting Pot with my first ever reading from a medium. I was already crying after Nicole’s reading where the medium touched on the relationship between our children, drawing a “soulmate” card between the cards symbolizing Blue and Syd plus possible nuptials next spring. When it was my turn, I was terrified. She asked me if there was someone I wanted to hear from and I was too afraid to even crack the door I’ve kept my grief behind, so I opted for a tarot card reading. Of course, the first card she turned was the Three of Swords, asking me if I’ve experienced a loss recently, possibly three and I probably sobbed. It’s a bit of blur but it felt cathartic and healing in hindsight, so I’ll count it as another glimmer.
Further research on the Three of Swords revealed its a card that “signifies heartbreak, emotional pain, sorrow, grief and hurt. It indicates a period of deep hurt and disappointment, often caused by the words, actions, or intentions of others. This card may represent unexpected events that bring intense emotions of pain, sadness, and heartbreak. It also suggests the need for emotional release and the importance of allowing oneself to grieve and process the pain.” Check, check, check🙋♀️🙋♀️🙋♀️ She closed it out with cards about re-building my foundation, something to celebrate and a possible windfall in my future. Yes, please!
I know I’m constantly trying to keep my datebook full and sometimes it’s a bit manic and probably unhealthy but I went from decades of a full house, and a family of four to most nights in my house alone with my pug Jolene, my loyal companion. I realize I’m trying to outrun the silence. I know I’ve been avoiding facing the feelings or doing the work that might come with actually acknowledging the fear and difficulty of breaking my family up, regardless of how necessary this ending was. I also know that I’m firmly stuck in the denial stage of grieving my friend after a horrific loss but hopefully, knowing is half the battle and I’ll come out of this summertime sadness celebrating the amazing friend I miss and the relationship I was lucky to have. Thank you to all my villagers, I hope to be as great a support through all this mess.
“You think twice about your life,
It probably happens at night, right?
Fight it, take the pain, ignite it”
Holding On to You- Twenty One Pilots
