Good Luck with Your Liver and Other Advice to My Uber and Lyft Passengers
I know I have done posts in the past about my experience as a rideshare driver but this past week I feel like I’ve only been picking up the DREGS of humanity so I thought maybe it’s time for my third annual installment. If you missed my previous posts I’ll try and insert some links here:
This might just turn out to be a long winded rant but I am really starting to wonder what is wrong with people? So if I can impart any knowledge for your future Uber or Lyft rides to make the whole experience more pleasant for everyone involved I would like to do that. Basically I think four words could sum it up pretty easily: Don’t be a dick! But for those people that need further explaining here is more information ie. Don’t be like these guys:
The Micromanager-
I have been a rideshare driver for over four years now with over 7000 rides under my belt and an average of a 4.85- 4.9 rating out of 5 so I feel like I kind of have this under control. Also as a Colorado native of over 40 years, I think I know where I’m going most of the time. I’m pretty sure most people hate anyone telling them how to do their job. I don’t correct the bank tellers on how to fill out a deposit slip. I don’t explain to the cashiers how to ring up my groceries. I don’t really understand the people who get in my car and give me turn by turn instructions on how to drive one mile up the road. Especially irksome are the people who call me 10 seconds after I accept their ride request to tell me that I’m already going the wrong way. It’s definitely possible that I was on a highway when I received your request and not able to make it over to the exit ramp in time or the far left lane of the intersection so allow me at least a minute to turn around before blowing up my phone with needless directions. If I am lost, in most cases, I will call YOU and ask where you are. Pretty sure there’s a $300 fine for texting and driving so texting me your brother’s phone number while I’m driving to pick up so-called brother isn’t exactly helpful. I understand that you probably go to work and home every day and you might actually have a helpful shortcut. I am certainly not opposed to that kind of advice but second by second instructions on which lane to be in and which turn signal to use and the speed limit for example are just over the top. I’m sorry if you feel out of control in other areas of your life and derive pleasure from being completely controlling of your rideshare driver but please don’t do it in my car. My favorite response to these types is, “Oh, you’re a native too?” Unless you’ve also lived here 40+ years, I don’t require the handholding thanks!
The Cheapskate-
Uber and Lyft both have new Pool and Line options where you can share your ride for a discount on your fare. How fantastic for a ride that is already dirt cheap to be half the price right! The problem with Lyft Line and UberPool is that you have to SHARE YOUR RIDE. This means if somebody is going the same direction as you, I get a pick them up and drop them off on YOUR way to YOUR destination. If I picked you up first it doesn’t mean that I’m dropping you off first. It’s kind of like Super Shuttle. In my experience, it’s a super TIME SUCK which isn’t worth ANY discount but people are super cheap. The worst Lyftline and UberPool passengers are the ones who think they can bring more than two people or change the destination or actually run errands in my vehicle while other strangers are waiting on a ride. Uber even has a new Express Pool feature where you are supposed to wait for me at a designated street corner which pretty much never happens because Uber doesn’t explain to their passengers that this is how Express Pool works. I had a woman the other morning who worked in the tech center which is a security clearance gated campus. I had to drive through security gates, show the guard my ID then drive her an extra half mile to her actual building even though with Express Pool she should’ve got out at the gates and walked her lazy ass the last few blocks. Express Pool is like the city bus. Imagine you are on a city bus that detours through a security gate or waits outside Walmart for somebody to load 40 bags of groceries or patiently waits at the bus stop for more than two minutes while other people are waiting on the bus to get to work. I know common courtesy is about as common as commonsense these days but who is raising these people?!?!? I had another UberPool the other day where my passenger asked me to please drive through the CVS pharmacy so that he could drop off his prescription! I explained to him that’s not how Pool works and he responded I promise I’ll tip you fat ! Out of the 500 or so times somebody has told me “I promise I’ll tip you” exactly ZERO of them have actually tipped me which I explained to him but I still went to the pharmacy drive-through which made my ride with him even LONGER so I can learn all about his pain pill addiction and failing liver and medical issues. Lucky for me, I was at least able to come up with a title for my new blog…. “Good luck with your liver!” was my parting comment when he FINALLY got out of my car. It’s pretty much a given that anybody who’s trying to save money by taking Pool or Line will NOT be tipping the drivers. Lyft and Uber reap all of the benefits of these new options by being able to charge THREE different passengers for one ride while still paying their drivers for only ONE ride so something to chew on.
The Uncouth-
I originally titled this person the Groomer but after checking the definition for this word it seem to fit perfectly:
un·couth
ˌənˈko͞oTH/Submit
adjective
(of a person or their appearance or behavior) lacking good manners, refinement, or grace.
“he is unwashed, uncouth, and drunk most of the time”
synonyms: uncivilized, uncultured, uncultivated, unrefined, unpolished, unsophisticated, bush-league, common, plebeian, low, rough, rough-hewn, coarse, loutish, boorish, oafish, troglodyte
Several examples and requests….
Please do not bring a brush or comb into my vehicle and proceed to brush or comb your hair during your entire ride in my vehicle. You’re nasty!
Please do not bring your fingernail clippers and clip any kind of nails, fingers or toes!!!!! in my vehicle during your ride. You’re nasty!
Please do not bring your meal into my car and proceed to open mouth chew in my ear during your entire ride. You’re nasty!
Please do not open mouth cough in my backseat for your entire 15 minute ride! You’re nasty! Cover your mouth!
Please do not touch me or any driver at anytime for any reason. I, like most people, do not like being touched by strangers especially when I’m driving thank you.
PLEASE Don’t get into my car with dog shit on your shoe even if you don’t know you have dog shit on your shoe!!!!!! So so so gross!!!!!
One thing I’ve learned from my years as a rideshare driver is that people are disgusting! Please make your mama proud and try to remember any manners you might have when you’re in my car. Moving on….
The Bad Parent-
I personally have probably found many ways to be a bad parent and I try not to derive pleasure ( though apparently I really enjoy using the word to derive) by calling people out but some people are just ridiculous. Maybe it is available in other states and other cities but here in Colorful Colorado, minors are not allowed to use rideshare without an accompanying adult. Not sure if I need to repeat that slowly or put it in all caps- SORRY if I’m blowing your mind here but if you’re under 18, you CANNOT use Lyft or Uber without a grown-up present. Not only is it against the rules (ie. the TOS or terms of service) but if I am driving a minor without an adult present and I get into an accident or any other kind of issue I am not INSURED! Uber and Lyft will not cover the drivers who are breaking the rules, so not only are you putting your under age child in a car with a STRANGER but that’s stranger is not INSURED for this ride. As a parent, I understand how helpful rideshare would be for the multiple dentist appointments and soccer practices that I just don’t want to deal with but please do not put our drivers or your children in these situations.
The other example of a bad parent/passenger is the grown-up who tries to take a Lyft or Uber with a child WITHOUT bringing a proper car seat. If you wouldn’t put your child in your mom’s car, your friend’s car or your OWN car without a car seat then why should I drive your child without a car seat? The most common excuse I hear is “We’re not going that far.” Great! So I get to risk a child’s life and my livelihood for a four dollar ride yippee! The correct response is we’re not going that far because we’re not going ANYWHERE until you provide the correct safety equipment NOT SORRY! When I used to drive a minivan that was applicable for Lyft Plus (up to six passengers), I had a ride request once at a grocery store. When I pulled up, there was a mother, a father and two-year-old twins plus three carts full of groceries. I calmly explained to them that I’d be happy to take a grown-up and all of the groceries but I’m not taking toddlers in my vehicle without car seats. They had rode the bus to the store, and Dad took the kiddos home on the bus while I drove Mom and the groceries. Sometimes my ratings take a hit for these decisions but my nightmares of children flying through my windshield will safely remain nightmares. I had another couple that had an infant they were taking to the airport and they HAD a car seat but the baby was SLEEPING. They didn’t want to wake the baby by strapping him safely into a car seat, they just wanted to hold him in my backseat on the 40 minute ride to DIA. I have yet to win any Mother of the Year awards but come on people!!!! What is wrong with you?
The Aloof-
Sometimes I call these people the DFB’s but it really can vary across gender and age. Usually when I pick people up, I say Hello and confirm their destination. Sometimes my passengers are on a phone call when they get into my vehicle and that’s fine. I understand and honestly I don’t really want to talk to most of you either but not even acknowledging that a human being is driving you to your destination is pretty FUCKING rude. 97% of people finish their phone call and apologize for their rudeness and respond to me once they hangup. Some people even apologize after a quiet ride saying they’re sorry they were not chatty. Believe me, if I can avoid having one more conversation about everybody moving to Colorado or the weather or how long I’ve been an Uber driver and what’s my CRAZIEST story, I’m honestly grateful. If you want to hop in my car and talk about your favorite scary movie or the best concert you’ve ever seen Red Rocks (to which I’ll quip-my high school graduation was there! even though I hate myself for this stupid humble brag🤦♀️) or honestly anything but the previous three mentioned topics (CO, rain, rideshare) those are my best passengers. BUT if you’re not even on a phone call and you can’t respond to my “Hi, how are you?” without an eye roll or a stony glance, you should probably just walk.👍🏼 Sure you think you’re better than me and you probably are. I’m just a lowly rideshare driver. And maybe you all are tired of hearing me bitch about this job but I do it for the kids man!
For the ability to be my own boss, choose my own super flexible hours, head up the hills to ride a fresh foot of snow on a Monday, attend the egg drops and chaperone the Ameritowne field trips, without asking anyone’s permission for the morning or afternoon off, to raise this unruly pair of ungrateful kids who have my whole heart 😍😍😍!
Thank you for the free therapy writing this blog (Angry rant?) affords me. Maybe try to be kind to each other and cover your coughs FFS!
