5 Downfalls To Getting OLD
“Oh yeah, life goes on.
Long after the thrill of livin’ is gone.”
Jack & Diane
John Cougar Mellencamp
I find myself fumbling over the words lately when people ask me how old I am. First, I take a second to ask myself then the words “thirty-nine” just feel so foreign coming out of my mouth.. My birthday recently passed pretty casually as most birthdays do after your twenty first. My last post about the benefits of turning thirty nine was a way to boost my feelings about growing older but I certainly have complaints…..
1) Aches- I awoke this morning with a pinched nerve in my neck. You’ve heard the phrase, “I slept wrong.” How do you sleep wrong? How can I mess up something so basic and necessary, something I derive so much pleasure from? Honestly, I love my bed. It didn’t help to have a seven year old boy sneak in post-midnight to sleep on top of me half the night I’m sure. The fact that I can go to bed and find myself with some new ailment in the morning, I think this comes with age. Trust me, I can do without the aches. I feel like the Tin Man most days, creaking and popping like my oil can is low. Why, oh why didn’t I appreciate my young body before it started loudly protesting every time I bend to tie my shoes or even stand up too quickly?
2) Acne– It’s bad enough to have thunder thighs, deflated boobs, and a spare tire but Jeez Louise am I ever going to outgrow zits? Maybe I should eat less chocolate or somehow reduce stress but I thought pimples were a teenager’s cross to bear. Could I please have a few years of blemish free skin before the crow’s feet and wrinkles set in? Don’t even get me started on the Sahara desert that is my neck skin, constantly dry and flaky. I actually wrote down “turkey neck” on my last pre-facial form. My aesthetician thought I was referring to an actual medical issue then proceeded to tell me there’s no cure before massaging my face full of her best products which promptly made me breakout like a pizza face. I’m sure liver spots are soon to follow.
Liver spot check
3) Low rise jeans- Maybe this one isn’t really a complaint about getting older but can someone please put an end to this ridiculous fashion trend?! Zippers should be longer than three inches. I should be able to bend without half my ass crack showing. Whoever decided to sew jeans that begin three inches below the belly button has never had children and should be forced to road trip with mine! ( Nicknamed the “bicker twins” because of their constant arguing sometimes escalating to blows ) I have been relegated to shopping the “mom jeans” section only, Thank you for abominating something I once enjoyed doing into a sad errand I will now only perform after a three day fast. Luckily, I can still enjoy shopping for my string bean children. And as a side note, those button adjuster straps in kid’s jeans to keep their pants from falling down, can we get those in grown up pants too please?!
4) Turning into our parents- I know it’s inevitable but that doesn’t mean that I’m not terrified to hear myself (OFTEN) muttering “kids these days” in an exasperated little old lady voice. My husband and I , desperately clinging to our non existent youth, attended a pre-NYE Decadence Ball this winter. We enjoy EDM, ( electronic dance music) though the fact that I even called it that shows how ridiculously old I am. One of our favorite DJ’s was playing so we went to this ball which was basically a glow-stick-swinging, lollipop-licking ecstasy festival. We actually enjoyed a few raves (IN OUR YOUTH) but to walk around the convention center surrounded by saucer-eyed barely clothed teenagers (18 and over but still CHILDREN!) who are closer in age to my ten year old daughter than me was frankly horrifying. I can only imagine what kind of nightmare the upcoming teen years will be like in our household. I almost ran home to start work on the basement fortress I plan to lock my daughter in if I even see her eyeing furry boots or booty shorts.
As a girl, I dreamed of becoming the next Whitney Houston. (long before the crack, of course) I spent every last penny of my allowance money at Super Star Recordings, a karaoke-like store in the mall where you could purchase tape recordings of your fabulous renditions of such hits as Debbie Gibson’s Shake Your Love or the Bangles’ Walk Like An Egyptian before copyright Blurred Lines-style lawsuits were even in existence. I used to watch shows like The Voice or American Idol commiserating with the contestants straining to reach certain notes out of their range. Now I relate more to the parents of these child “prodigies” picking up the pieces of their shattered children after an elimination or crying tears of pride watching their young star enchant an audience, I’ve reached the age where I’ve given up on some of my dreams and now only want to help my children achieve theirs and I’m actually ok with that if I could just stop hearing my mother’s words coming out of my mouth.
5) Time flies!- Whether you’re having fun or not. Not only is it mysteriously 2015 but it’s already halfway though March! My daughter is already a decade and my “baby” is turning eight in a matter of weeks. I remember the tortuously long wait for my sixteenth birthday to finally arrive, days crawling by tortoise-like until I thought I’d just die waiting to get my driver’s license. Twenty one feels like yesterday to me. I know, without even blinking, I will wake up as a Grandma one day, hopefully with a kick a$$ hoverboard (or a-money-money as my son likes to say) and a cushy retirement fund- Yikes! In the wise words of Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
Jamo’s version of smelling the roses- he likes to high five the trees
So here are a few of my getting older gripes. If you have any to add, that I maybe haven’t had the joy of experiencing yet, I’d love a little warning on what else I have to look forward to. Obviously, I’m far too old for surprises. 😛