Author Archive: danabones

Part 1- Driver

Summer has gotten the best of me and once again my little blog has fallen to the wayside but both kids are back in school so I’m determined to show some love to my pet project. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I love getting massages but I feel like I’m never able to relax because my mind is always racing, usually wondering what kind of secrets my body is giving away to my masseuse. (Side Note: Pretty sure “has gotten” is super incorrect grammar but that’s how the voice in my head speaks so not sorry. Also, coming back with a bang with my usual run-on sentences natch)  Can she tell I’m left-handed from the muscles in my forearm? Can she tell my shoulders are where I hold all my stress? Does she think I’m a wuss because I only want medium pleasant pressure instead of the scream inducing deep tissue massage that might actually work the kinks out? And yes, I say “she” because I’m one of those lingeringly insecure women who feels uncomfortable naked on a table with a strange male rubbing me, not ashamed to admit. I’m always curious what kind of fascinating stories my masseuse might have or what useful info they could impart from their chosen profession. My good friend recently became a Highway State Patrol Trooper and he’s full of entertaining stories. The tagline for my Mamachanic endeavor is Mom/Mechanic-Many Hats because in my 40+ years, I’ve wandered down many paths. I thought it might be fun to regale you all with little tidbits from my journey so far as a

HAS BEEN

My first chapter is about my career to date as a driver for Uber and Lyft. I quit my job as an auto mechanic a little over three years ago because the hours and stress were not allowing me to be the Mom I wanted to be. Fifty plus hour-long work weeks and mandatory Saturdays were not conducive to the parenthood I imagined. Becoming a ride share driver provided the flexibility I was looking for. As a driver, you choose your own hours. You don’t have to sign up for shifts. There are no minimum hour requirements. I don’t even have to work a full hour, I can drive for thirty minutes then log off of driver mode to get my nails done or pick up my children after school. The only time constraints I have are, if I’m logged on for twelve hours in a row, the companies log me off for a mandatory break for safety reasons. You do not want an exhausted driver. I’m not going to lie and say it’s fantastic money because it isn’t. For some reason, maybe the Craigslist ads guaranteeing $1500 a week, people think ride share drivers make bank but those ads are just to draw new drivers into the constant turnover in the ride share driver pool. Most people drive as a part-time gig to make extra money on weekends and nights until they graduate or reach their goal or get fed up. Basically, ride share drivers make eighty cents per mile after Uber or Lyft takes their commission which doesn’t include wear and tear on your vehicle, taxes, or gas. You can certainly make more on nights and weekends during surges but then you risk drunks vomiting and the other headaches that come with working bar hours. I’m not doing this for the fast paychecks and glamour. I’m driving because I got tired of missing Field Day or field trips and the job shaming I experienced anytime I asked for any time off. I love being my own boss so the pros outweigh the cons. After almost 6000 rides (crazy I know!) here are a couple of tips:

Safety

I know there are questions about safety from the driver and passenger perspective. As a passenger, you’re wondering if you should be getting into a stranger’s car right? I can tell you, in Colorado at least, all the drivers must pass a background check  including criminal background and driving record. We must also have our vehicles inspected for cleanliness and basic safety and we must have to DOT (Department of Transportation) medical card before hitting the road meaning we must get a physical to check vision and other basic health. There are a few training videos to watch that explain how to use the driver app but there is no basic training to become a driver. Honestly, you can upload all your documents and be approved to drive without ever meeting an Uber employee. Lyft is a bit different. When I applied, they used a mentor program where a seasoned veteran met all new applicants to vet them including going on a road test and explaining the rules. There were tests you had to pass at the end of their training videos to move forward. They’ve since changed the mentoring program to large on-boarding sessions with a nurse and mechanic present to do the required inspections, doing away with the one-on-one mentor session I thought were a great way to make sure they only approved drivers they were confident in representing their brand. My point is, for the most part, there is no training for ride share drivers. Both companies rely on ratings to weed out any bad employees which isn’t the best business model. Basically, if you can figure out how to upload your documents and download the driver app, you’re free to have a go at running your own cabby gig.

On the flip side, do I feel safe being your driver? For the most part , yes. Denver is pretty tame, I choose my own hours, and you’re tracked through the apps what passengers you pick up so if I were to disappear after dropping you off, your door would be the first one knocked on. Unfortunately, lack of training or information for drivers and passengers leads to a lot of rule breaking, which leads me to:

The Rules

Several rules drivers and passengers are unaware of or maybe know full well but are just being jackasses.

1. I can only drive as many passengers as I haven’t seat belts for, meaning standard Lyft and Uber vehicles can only LEGALLY take four passengers, Luckily, the geniuses at both companies came up with alternatives for larger groups- LyftPlus and UberXL. My minivan has seven seatbelts so I can drive up to six passengers. Plus and XL are a higher rate but we’re driving more passengers and we offer a handy split fare option so you can pony up to help your friends pay for your ride. Don’t ask me to squeeze seven or eight passengers in. I’m not going to risk my livelihood and my driver’s license because you’re CHEAP! I don’t care if it’s only a few blocks, it’s only a few BUCKS and it’s ILLEGAL. If there are more than four in your group, order a Plus. If you’re moving out of your office and need a van to pack up all of your shit, pick up a Uhaul. My job is to give you a ride, not sit in your parking lot making ten cents a minute while you load up. We make money when we are moving, ten cents per minute for waiting is equal to $6/hour. For example, if I pick up Susie and she wants to go to her bank, then Starbucks, then the McDonald’s drive-thru at the end of the ride I’ve driven her less than five miles and waited around thirty plus minutes to make $6 after commission and now my van smells like her poor lunch choice. We are not errand boys and not even my kids eat in my car so you shouldn’t feel entitled to. I had one woman and her three children stuff five large suitcases into my trunk for an airport ride after ordering a standard Lyft because technically she only had four passengers. My general rule is if it wouldn’t fit in a Prius, you should order a Plus. If it’s only you plus your broken down bike which would NOT fit in a Prius, you should order a Plus. Don’t be a CHEAPSKATE!
2. In Colorado, it is against the rules for a minor to ride unaccompanied. (some states may vary) This means your child who is under 18 cannot use ride share without an adult along for the ride. I run into this all the time, where the kid says I use Uber all the time or the parent is even giving me a thumbs up from the front porch. I know it seems super convenient but it is against the terms of service meaning if I drive a minor, breaking the rules, Uber or Lyft will not insure me in the event of an accident. If you’re cool letting your child ride with a stranger alone, you should probably double check the parenthood handbook none of us received. The liabilities of that kind of ride make me shudder, especially for our male drivers (see You Tube=Uber dash cam saves driver from false rape accusations) The added knowledge that if anything happened, nobody is insured because the Terms of Service have been broken should be enough to convince you to drive your kid yourself. I know this goes back to lack of training for either side so I’m just trying to educate.
3. We are not allowed to drive children without car seats. This is a law meaning it is ILLEGAL. I had one couple request an airport ride then throw their car seat in my trunk and insist on holding the baby in their arms so as not to wake him. SMGDH! Um no, I would rather listen to that child scream bloody murder in his car seat during the forty minute drive than envision him flying through my windshield in the event of an accident. Bad parents!!!! I picked up one couple with two-year old twins who wisely ordered a Plus to fit their three carts full of groceries but did not bring any car seats on their bus ride to the store. I drove Mom and all the groceries home and sent Dad and the toddlers back home on the bus where you can legally transport children without state required car seats. Don’t ask me to jeopardize my future and risk getting a ticket or injuring your child for any reason!
4. There is no open container law in Colorado. This is not Las Vegas. You cannot legally walk down the street drinking alcohol. The same goes for my vehicle meaning don’t drink in my car. Some states can give the driver a DUI if there are passengers drinking in their car regardless of their sobriety. I’m not sure if that is the case in Colorado but I’m not about to find out. You’re welcome to bring your six-pack into my van, but if I hear you cracking anything open, I’m kicking you to the curb thanks!

If I sound bitter, it’s because I’m tired of being the only person enforcing these rules. When I have to be the bad guy, it usually negatively affects my ratings…

Ratings

One huge difference between ride share companies and old school cab companies is the ratings system. We rate our passengers and they rate the drivers so there is actual accountabillity.Taxi cabs were a monopoly for so long that their drivers didn’t care how they treated anyone. I remember many a night waiting for cabs that never showed up or having my shady driver insist their credit card machine was broken before driving me to an ATM on my dime. The rating system used by Uber and Lyft assure that there’s good behavior in the back seat and behind the wheel.  It’s a five-star rating system. Every time I receive a request I see the passenger’s rating given to them by other drivers on previous rides. For the most part, I give every passenger a five-star rating. If you make me wait longer than a few minutes at pickup, trash my vehicle, are derogatory or disrespectful in my van or try to break any rules, I might rate you lower. If I get a ride request from a passenger with a low rating, I might decide to skip that ride request. As a driver, I have to keep at least a 90% acceptance rating, meaning I’m free to pass on 10% of ride requests, leaving me the freedom to bail if you’re more than ten minutes away, have a low rating or any other arbitrary reason. If your passenger rating is too low, you might have a hard time getting rides. As a driver, my rating is much more stringent. Drivers must retain a 4.6 or higher rating in order to stay on the platform, meaning if my rating drops below a 4.6, I lose my job. Many passenger are quick to rate their driver poorly for things beyond our control, like surge rates, traffic, or your crappy day. Especially if your drunk ass can’t count and wants your driver to squeeze five passengers in their little Prius or allow tailgating (open containers) in their car. If your driver finds you and gets you to your destination safely, that deserves five stars. Yes period! Giving your driver a poor rating because they didn’t offer a cold bottle of water or because you left late and they couldn’t magically get you to the airport in fifteen minutes is not only a super crappy thing do but also a great way for someone to lose their job. I understand it’s impossible to please everyone and some people won’t give a perfect score unless I give you a free puppy and my first-born but something to think about on your next ride.

Tipping

Lyft has always had a tipping feature through to app to allow passengers to tip their drivers easily without cash in hand. Uber very recently added a tipping feature as well but people are cheap. Even though back in the day, the majority of customers always tipped their taxi drivers, that percentage is much lower with ride share customers. Uber actually had a tagline that “tipping wasn’t necessary” but they’re also being sued by a large number of their drivers for telling passengers that tips were included when they never have been a part of their fares. I’m not insisting that everyone tip but it definitely makes my day and confirms when I’m doing a great job. Considering that ride share is almost half the cost of a regular cab, their drivers are usually getting less than 70% of the fare. If you’d tip a cab driver, bell hop, server etc. why not tip your ride share driver?

Common Courtesy

I’d really rather not have to point out the obvious here, but as a passenger common courtesy goes a long way. Remember, you’re in my personal vehicle, treat it the same way you would a friend’s car. Don’t put your feet on the dash. Don’t leave your trash behind. Don’t grab the person driving. Don’t help yourself to my stereo controls without asking first. This is my personal vehicle meaning I drive my children everywhere in this same vehicle. Don’t accidentally drop your drugs, Bic lighters, or pocket knifes in my back seat. These are all examples of actual passengers, don’t be that guy.

Bullet/Pocketknife my 9-year-old son was thrilled to find left by one of my passengers

Don’t request a ride from an impossible location. I’m not going to stop in the middle of Speer Blvd. during rush hour to pick up a passenger. Obstructing traffic is a $300 ticket! If your house is on a busy street, request your pickup in the alley. It is very easy to contact your driver, through the app, to expedite your pickup.

Don’t refuse to meet your driver a few feet maybe even a WHOLE BLOCK (gasp!) away. Denver is a busy city. If you’re trying to get a ride home along with 70,000 other people leaving Mile High Stadium, you might have to meet your driver. Some venues have specific ride share pick up locations, for example at Red Rocks, drivers are only allowed to pick up at the Trading Post. Negatively rating your driver or cancelling your request because of a busy venues lack of cooperation is ruthless and a waste of everyone’s time. Speaking of wasting time, there’s a handy-dandy feature in the app that tells you how far away the nearest driver is, usually 3-5 minutes. If you’re not 3-5 minutes away from finishing your packing, makeup, or whatever and standing on the curb to meet your driver, then don’t order a ride until you’re ready. You wouldn’t make your friend sit outside in the car for five minutes waiting for you, you shouldn’t make your driver wait either.

Calling or texting your driver is a perfectly acceptable way to coordinate your ride but expecting your driver to text back is asking us to break the law and another costly ticket. I had one woman during a blizzard texting me every three seconds, “It looks like your turning on Downing, I think Emerson would be faster.” “How much longer?” Nag, nag, micro manage, nag. I’m driving in a goddamn blizzard to pick you up because it’s my job meaning I know exactly how to do it and no, I will not be taking my white knuckled hands off the steering wheel to respond to your ridiculous unnecessary texts thank you!!!!!!

Lyftline and Uberpool

Line and Pool are new features where passengers receive a discounted rate to literally share their ride. If another passenger requests a ride along the same “line” we’re already going, I’ll receive their request and pick them up too. Most drivers despise this feature because its awkward enough driving strangers in their car without multiplying the strangers sharing a ride. Also because drivers are usually paid the SAME amount for driving more people and making more stops while Uber makes MORE money charging multiple passengers for the same ride. Most passengers don’t realize they’ve accidentally requested a Line or Pool until I stop to grab the next passenger. It can be very time-consuming so don’t try it if you’re going to be late to work or miss a flight. Just because I pick you up first, you may not be dropped off first. I could pick you up, then Tom, Dick and Harry and drop you off third or even last depending on your destination along the “line”. I’m all for saving the planet ie. saving gas and pollutants by “sharing” rides, but it’s usually a drag for everyone (especially accidentally) involved and another great way to ding my rating in the confusion.

Phew! Sorry for the lengthy tirade. After over 6000 rides, I could probably fill a book with all the stories I’ve experienced. Thanks for bearing with me. I know it’s sounds like I’m unhappy with ride share but the pros-unlimited, flexible time with my friends and family, choosing my own hours, being my own boss etc. far outweigh any cons.

My Reasons

My “Office” Selfie

Speaking of talking your ear off, do me a favor. Next time you feel like chatting up your ride share driver, hit them up with a new question like what’s your favorite scray movie? Who was your first concert? Where did you grow up? Trust me, if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me one of the usual questions:

• How long have you been driving?
• Do you have any crazy stories?
• Do you ever feel unsafe?
• Do you prefer Lyft or Uber?
• How much money do you make? (Seriously, would you ever ask anyone else this question?!)

..I’d be a millionaire. Most drivers are tired of talking about themselves and their jobs, especially since they’ve probably had the same conversation with the first five rides already. Surprise me! I’ve actually had a lot of awesome conversations with my passengers, or better yet, sit down and shut up. (Just not in the seat directly behind your driver, if you’re alone, super creepy!) And if you think this might be a great gig for you, there’s usually a sign on bonus. Click either link below and I could get a bonus too! Feel free to hit me up with any other comments or questions. Look for the next post in my Has Been series about my time as a mechanic, landlord, server, movie theater manager, tattoo parlor counter girl, or maybe even Mother of the Year….hahahahahahahaha.

Drive for Uber-

https://partners.uber.com/drive/?invite_code=k69ugP

Drive for Lyft-

https://www.lyft.com/drivers/DANA2247

Shout out to my FL peeps! ?

We named him Jameson, so I guess we were always asking for trouble. He loves telling people we named him after the Irish whiskey. ? When I found out during my second pregnancy I was having a boy, I was devastated. Not even exaggerating, I grew up an only child, no brothers or sisters with a single Mom. I had no idea how to raise a little boy. I’m pretty sure I actually cried when my OB/GYN showed me the “hotdog” on my sonogram. Boys?!?!? What are they good for? In almost a decade, as a mother to a son, I’ve learned a few answers to that question:

1-Boys Are Good At Making Messes

• Jameson is awesome at dragging our bathroom towels all throughout the house before hanging them back on the towel rack so next time I dry off I’m basically wiping my face with dust mites and dog hair from the hallway floor
• I can always count on my son to have pockets full of magpie collectibles like sugar packets to find like hidden treasures when I’m emptying the dyer
• The pile of sneaky candy wrappers I found under his mattress or the crusty boogers he wipes on the wall next to his bed.

2-Boys Are Experts At Obsessing Over Anything Gross (Barf, Poop, Nuts, etc.)

• Asking me if I’ve ever tasted bird poop
• Insteresting I Pad screen savers
• 
• When he was little, believing his nuts were actually dragon eggs. The excitement as he prepared for hatchling dragons> The horror, one day with his hands down his pants telling me, “I lost one of my dragon eggs!” Insisting he used to have three!
• After an afternoon riding roller coasters at Elitches, Jamo told me, “Mom, I just threw up in my mouth and it tasted like funnel cake…..It was gross but awesome!”
• Showing me how he can make his privates look like a lizard neck (no photo available thankfully)
• Somehow sharing his Toilet Time I pad game progress on my Facebook page , like I’m the one playing this disgusting game?!

3-Boys Are Good For Embarassing Their Poor Moms

• Loves telling random people,”You can’t have happiness without penis!” Sigh
• Telling me my panties look “too small”
• Telling me my breath smells like poop
• Sitting on his swing, asking some random woman at the playground,”Are you going to push me or what, lady?”
• Telling me my fat and sassy tank top describes me perfectly
• 
• Asking me if I was alive during the Titanic,”What were you? Like one?”
• What other 9-year-old’s birthday wish list includes a hover board, brass knuckles, or a sleepover with Devin? (Devin the girl of course!)
• After asking the dreaded,”What is Viagra?” Pausing a moment for the equally dreaded follow-up question,”What is a boner?!”

4-While remaining somehow precociously charming

• Telling me my voice is so beautiful, I should audition for American Idol
• Saying he doesn’t want Hillary Clinton to win this election because he wants his sister Bella to be the first female President
• Making me breakfast in bed often, no holiday required
• Scamming his babysitters to pay him for his mad hair brushing skills
• 

To be honest, he’s definitely grown on me, like a barnacle or fungus naturally. The terror I felt after my sonogram has slowly changed to a sort of wonder and deep affection of course. This little guy has taught me precisely how boys and girls are totally from different planets, but also I’ve learned how fiercely and bottomlessly I can love someone, fart jokes, unintended insults, amazing photo cooperation skills (NOT!),  stinky feet and all. Though his sister could certainly give him a run for his money in the stinky feet department.

Photo Cooperation Skills

Does anyone else remember these “love is…..” cartoons. Back when the comics page was they only page I read (when people still read newspapers on actual paper) next to Kathy’s dry humor and the antics of Calvin and Hobbes, these Love comics were my favorites. I turned 40 almost three months ago and I’ve been trying to come to terms with such a large number but so far I’ve only come up with this list.

40 is:

• Having a “little” girl that’s almost as tall as me.
• Shazaming that rocking tune I heard at the Magic Mike Live show, thinking it would make a great addition to my workout playlist only to discover it’s a Nickelback song.
• Turning 40 without a shout out from some dear friends, even in this day and age with Facebook birthday reminders and realizing it still stings as much as it would have ten years ago.
• “I’m a pro at imperfections and I’m best friends with my doubt.” The Judge by Twenty One Pilots
• Working out with no results, though I secretly know it’s my lack of diet discipline
• Back fat
• Turkey neck-dry saggy neck skin that’s a great match with my still oily and pimpled 40 year old face.
• Your friend’s tween children showing up in your People You May Know Facebook section
• Getting my first mammogram and not wanting to tell my Mom about the lump they found because I’ve reached an age where I want to protect my Mom instead of vice versa.
• Going to concerts (which I looooooove) and being depressed because
• a) I’m the oldest person there and all the super drugged out kids in the audience are closer in age to my daughter so I spend half the show freaking out that my kids will soon be the ones tripping in half shirts and furry boots
• b) I’m not the oldest person there because I’m seeing a band in their 70’s who can’t quite rock like they used to.
• Or eagerly awaiting summer festival lineups secretly knowing I’m way too old for this three day festival shit. Then Lollapalooza adds insult to injury by making their festival FOUR days this year!!!!!
• Reading young adult post-apocalyptic novels on my second seven year itch.
• Crushing on barely legal celebrities like Zac Efron and Justin Beiber even though, at my age, it’s totally creepy
• Sometimes, wanting to hop in my minivan and drive far away, never looking back
•  Realizing that parenthood is a super depressing race to your kids eventually moving out and leaving you. Reminding yourself how finite this childhood is when you’re too tired for “five more minutes please Mama”
• “My name is NO! My sign is NO! My number is NO!” – No by Meghan Trainor
• Teasing my husband that this is his theme song because he constantly, automatically says NO to anything the kids ask. Or further badgering him with Cat’s in the Cradle lyrics when they return the favor by being too busy to hang out with him.
• “And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon,
• Little boy blue and the man on the moon,
• When you comin’ home son
• I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then, Dad
• You know we’ll have a good time then” -Cat’s In The Cradle by Harry Chapin
• When I used to read about celebrity deaths, it would be people like Ronald Reagan, who was pretty old, lived a long life and never really connected with me personally. Nowadays, we’re losing people like David Bowie and Prince, people who shaped my childhood and died far too soon. Not only are beloved celebrities dying, but my actual friends are ending up in the hospital battling serious illnesses. Getting older SUCKS!
• 
• My Labyrinth Knockers Tank
• 
• R.I.P Goblin King
•  Your dog dying. (Ok so this hasn’t actually happened to me yet but I feel like being 40 includes losing the first dog you owned as a grown up. Maybe I’m a bit behind on this one but my 15 year old pug Bula is definitely halfway up that stairway to heaven. Especially since she’s so deaf and blind at this age that she doesn’t hear us when anyone comes home so I’m always sure, today is the day, until I shake her awake. It also doesn’t help that my rotten children are less than discreet in their deathwatch, hounding me, “Can we get a “real” dog when Bubu finally dies?” Who is raising these heartless hooligans?! )

• My Sweet grandma pug Bula

• Sometimes disliking my spoiled children and their insatiable ingratitude even though they’re two of my favorite people. Mostly, when they make me feel old, like griping, “Turn down your old people music!”
• Telling my son No when he asks, “Can you do this Mom?” because my creaky old lady hands don’t bend that way anymore.

• Still loving “reality” TV, but watching talent shows like the Voice or American Idol with the perspective of a parent. Instead of relating to the contestants as a young person who also dreams of stardom, I now watch these shows with proud Mama tears in my eyes. These damn kids aren’t even mine but any words of criticism and my Momager claws come out.
• Teaching my kids about all the awesome things I enjoyed in my youth like the Beastie Boys and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off with constant milestone posts on Facebook like these:
• 
• Doing old people math like figuring out my best friend from kindergarten has been my Be Fri for 35 years!!! Or realizing the newer friends that I cherish have actually been my rock for OVER A DECADE! Or finding out the baby one friend was pregnant with that one year at Lollapalooza just turn four!!! Seems like yesterday we were eating midnight Italian dinner after Eminem in Grant Park!
• Being halfway to 80!
• Reaching the age where former friends grow pretentious enough to quote themselves, like they’re somehow full of wisdom.
• Having the wisdom to know that burning that bridge was the right decision, but still not being able to figure out how to graciously unsubscribe from older relatives blatantly racist chain emails.
• 
• Come a Looooooong Way

Ugh! If this were a pros and cons list, cons would be winning by mile, hence the subtitle “Seeking Silver Lining.” I suppose, it’s not that awful being 40. There are definite positives like running out of f#@ks to give, therefore worrying less about unimportant things like fashion, cool quotients, other’s opinions or run-on sentences. To be fair, I know my life is pretty amazing- awesome kids, husband, home, family, friends, health, etc. I just wish having to remind myself of these blessings didn’t also serve to remind myself of how freaking old I’ve gotten. Goddamn senior moments!

“Long-haired freaky people need not apply”

Signs – Tesla

I recently started a new position as a Mentor/Vehicle Inspector for a ride share company. Instead of driving late night drunks and business men around, I’m performing vehicle inspections for new drivers to ensure their vehicle are safe to drive our passengers. The mentor portion of my job title means I explain the rules for the company and meet the new applicants to determine if they are friendly and capable and would be a good addition to the company. Essentially, I’m not only inspecting your vehicle for safety and cleanliness but our sessions are also a job interview of sorts to make sure  our passengers would feel comfortable and safe riding with our new recruits. I have completed hundreds of job interviews in the last six months so I figured I would share some insight on do’s  and dont’s for excelling in your next interview.

The Vehicle Inspection

    First off, the vehicle inspection. I know this doesn’t apply to everyone but if a vehicle inspection or any kind of personal item inspection is part of the interview process, keep it clean. I’ve had people show up in an ashtray on wheels. His car stank so bad, it gave me heartburn. Speaking of burns, one gentleman was burning incense ON HIS DASHBOARD. You  would think burning incense in a moving vehicle during an inspection for a driver position is an obvious no brainier. Unfortunately, some of my applicants were obvious no brainers. One guy was missing door handles on his car! That is alarming especially for female passengers trying to exit your vehicle. If the job calls for a 2004 or newer vehicle, do not show up in a 1998, especially with a cracked windshield, check engine light  on and bulbs burnt out. I asked one applicant if he had glass coverage on his insurance because I couldn’t pass his vehicle inspection with a cracked windshield and he replied, “I fucking knew you were going to say that!”  To state what should be common sense, don’t swear at your interviewer.

Basic interview tips:

Number one: Show up! I’ve had countless people flake on me. If we schedule a time for your session, no call/no shows are not acceptable. I’m sorry your alarm broke, you laid down with the kids and fell asleep, you thought I meant next Monday, whatever. Flaky people do not pass. That also goes for setting the appointment, especially if you’re applying for a driver position, you might need to drive to the interview. One recruit told me he couldn’t afford to put gas in his car to drive to our session. He asked if I could drive to the Walmart by his house to meet him. You will need gas in your car to drive for this job and no thanks on driving to your Walmart in the ‘burbs.

The Flake

Number two: Show up on time! You will be expected to show up on time every day for your job. The same goes for showing up to your job interview. One man tried to set his appointment “give or take 45 minutes” That is not how interviews work.

Number three: Show up alone. Don’t bring your girlfriend, your best friend,  your children or your dogs, unless you’ve cleared it before time. I’m not your babysitter and if your dog attacks me, you’re definitely not getting the job. I had one woman bring her twelve year old son with her to translate because she didn’t speak English. Not to sound insensitive, but speaking English is a job requirement. She wanted her son to drive around with her all the time to translate for her passengers. Unfortunately, ride share requires all your seats to be available for passengers so there’s no room for an interpreter to ride along. Also, ride share companies perform a background check on all their drivers to make sure they are not hiring criminals, but if you’re driving with a friend or spouse, there was no background check performed on your ridealongs to insure customer safety.

Some other tips you might figure would be common sense for job interviews but sadly are not:

Do not call your interview sweetie, darling, or other offensive nickname.s

Do not lean to fart in the middle of an interview, everyone knows what you’re doing.

Do not text your interviewer at 2:00 in the morning to confirm an appointment.

Do not chomp gum or reek of coffee breath, be cognizant of basic hygiene.

Dress to impress. Don’t wear your best hair-covered sweat pants, show some effort.

If you’re not qualified for the job, do not argue with your interviewer over your merits. I had one woman ask me about our policy on DUI’s. Most ride share companies run a DMV check for at least the previous seven years to determine if you’re a safe driver. She had a four year old DUI on her record and wanted to argue or contest this rule, claiming it wasn’t fair to judge her for one mistake.

Namaste bitch!

Do not be politically or racially insensitive during your interview. One girl told me her worst ride share experience ever was with a deaf driver. ” I don’t think you should be able to drive if you’re deaf! I don’t speak sign language, so he kept handing me a blackboard to communicate with.” Most ride share companies employ perfectly capable deaf drivers with positive results so keep your offensive opinions about handi-capable people out of your interview sessions. Part of my vehicle inspection process is to take a short ride with new drivers to assure that they are safe and compliant with common laws. When I told one girl this she laughed and responded, “Don’t worry, I’m not Asian!” Definitely, hide your racism during job interviews. Or don’t be a friggin” racist!

Lastly, I’ll repeat, don’t swear during your interview. I have a potty mouth, big time, but I know better than to curse in professional situations. Especially, if you’re calling your interviewer something derogatory. One boy accidentally sent me a text meant for his friend while he was twenty minutes late for his session. Needless to say, he was a fail.

The Accidental Texter

I may be interviewing soon for a new job myself. If you have more tips, I’d love to hear them!

Also, anyone interested in becoming a rideshare driver, click on my links below to be applicable for up to a  $400 sign on bonus. As always, feel free to share thanks!

  https://www.lyft.com/drivers/DANA2247

https://partners.uber.com/drive/?invite_code=k69ug

Ugh! I just logged into my little blog and realized it’s been almost two months since I’ve posted. What can I say people? Life! It creeps up on you, kicks the shit out of you sometimes or just steals your time like a thief in the night. You stop to take stock and somehow it’s October (my least favorite month with two Libra birthdays, the inevitable season changing cold plus Halloween to completely drain me) already which is right around the corner from all those exhausting holidays and you wonder, where did  the time go? So, apologies to my forgotten Mamachanic blog left to gather dust in the midst of back-to-school etc. Here’s a new post-short but heartfelt as always.

Maybe I’m just stating the painfully obvious here. Hopefully, this is a well known fact but Facebook is a façade y’all! I’m not even southern by any stretch but I feel like adding y’all to that statement makes even more obvious that it should BE obvious. I am not Supermom, nor do I loooove my job or even my husband (half the time :P). If you tried to read my life like a book based on my Facebook statuses, you’d think it was non-stop concerts, plays and fun-filled family activities. I recently took my son to see Taylor Swift and trust me, it was uh-maz-ing but one of my friends commented on a video of her concert I posted that she was going to keep her daughter off of Facebook as long as possible “as long as you’re out there posting about all the cool things Moms like you do for your kids!” She totally meant it jokingly and complimentary, of course but it made me wonder what kind of jackass people really think I am which brought me to this point. Facebook is a great, big façade! I post as much cool stuff as I can on there but trust me, I lose my shit with my kids almost daily! I constantly joke about the Mother of the Year award I’m never going to receive because I have scarred my kids for life on repeated occasions. And I’m not bragging about my lacking parenting skills, nor do I want anyone to think I’m bragging when I post vacation snaps, or Red Rocks pics or ski videos of my children whom I’m absolutely certain are the best kids in the world because they’re mine and don’t we all feel that way?

I don’t want any of my actual friends or Facebook friends to judge me for my posts and think I’m obnoxious or flaunting. But honestly, I didn’t get to do a lot of seriously cool things as a kid and I love the part about being a parent where you get to raise them however the F you want to because THEY ARE YOURS. If my children have blue and pink hair in their grade school pictures, I think that is a perfect representation of the exact people they are at this point in their lives. One of the things I love most about Facebook is the yearbook I’m creating day by day of these childhoods that are literally flying by. I’m also super thankful that Facebook wasn’t around to document most of the ridiculous, dipshit things I did in my youth.

This guy is always so cooperative for my photos but it adds to his charm somehow.

My Facebook page is absolutely a highlight reel! Just because, flipping through it may read as the hilarious capers of the Collins fam doesn’t mean I didn’t spend the last month sleeping in the basement or that I didn’t poke my son viciously in the hand with his fork because he’s eight and still eats with his hands like an freaking animal. My status updates accentuate the positive and certainly don’t mean that life is a bowl of cherries or that I don’t want to hear about your life or problems or lend an ear like a good friend ought to (but please!!!!!! this fat ass does not need any more butter braids! Thank you!) If you feel like you’re tired of the Collins adventures or can’t stand to read another post about my darling son’s obsession with anything penis-related, feel free to block me. Totally cool with that, as I mentioned in an earlier post, being almost 40, I know who my friends are and completely understand other people have overwhelming lives too.

 Fiction

Non-Fiction

Today is a perfect example of my not at all perfect life. I took my so-smart-she’s-10-going-on-35 (to the point where I often want to wring her neck naturally) daughter to her first mentor session today. She was one of 85 Denver Public School students chosen for this mentorship program which I think is braggadocious and also makes my chest hurt with pride. Skip to this afternoon with a phonecall I received from our principal  about my black sheep son (who is often still my favorite-kidding!) about his behavior on a field trip today or should I say misbehavior. Luckily, he wasn’t the child sent home for pretending to dry hump a wall but he was the one discussing peeing in someone’s Mom’s mouth (thanks a lot Bear Grylls and all your lifesaving tips!) which is not a proper field trip topic so I’m just pointing out what is hopefully clear to most people. Life has a fantastic way of gut-punching me too sometimes so don’t believe the Facebook status update hype-pretty sure we’re all still human here.

Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those who have already been there.  -Vine Deloria, Sioux

       I didn’t really grow up with a whole lot of religion. I think my single Mom was just doing her best to hold down the fort. Sundays were spent cleaning house, preparing for the coming week, or just relaxing and recuperating from the previous week. I was talking with a friend about my Mamachanic classes, how nobody is growing up in the garage with their fathers learning anything about cars anymore. He told me he used to spend Sundays in his garage with his Dad in order to avoid church. Getting yelled at by his father for grabbing the wrong screwdriver was better than sitting through any hellfire and damnation sermon. I didn’t have a father or a garage to escape to when  I was little but I still ended up working on cars and avoiding organized religions.

Hey little girl is your Daddy home? Did he go away and leave you all alone? – Bruce Springsteen I’m On Fire

      My childhood memories regarding religion were a creepy spider shaped church I attended a few times and my best friend’s Mormon mother and the extreme disapproval and judgment  I felt from her. I figured out eventually that Santa and the Easter Bunny were lies so I kind of equated the religious stories I heard to be the same kind of BS. Trying to convince me that one guy is delivering  presents down every chimney in the whole world on one night (especially never having a chimney growing up 😉 ) and also, that one person died for everyone’s sins and rose from the dead like some kind of zombie because someone ate an apple that a talking snake gave them? It all seemed like science fiction or fantasy to me.  My experiences with religion were an eight legged church reminiscent of the villain from Stephen King’s It and knowing my best friend’s Mom and her crazy underwear wearing religion supported her belief that little old white trash me was somehow to blame for her daughter’s doubts and promiscuity.

Cause a disaster’s a disaster no matter what Christian language you drag it through. – Manchester Orchestra Wolves At Night

You can understand why I didn’t embrace religion. I’m not trying to knock the believers. I wish I could believe emphatically  that a higher power is always watching over me, has a plan in mind for me but I don’t have that crutch.

I don’t know much but a crutch is a crutch if it’s holding you from moving on. -Manchester Orchestra Everything to Nothing

I didn’t really have the nuclear family I wanted growing up, so I created my own extended family with the friends I made and the lasting, insanely meaningful relationships we built. Like that family, I sought some kind of spirituality so I created my own, a sort of crutch or at least something to help me through tough times . That has always been music. The first tape I ever owned was George Michael’s Faith. I didn’t really have any faith , in a God or myself , but I found a kind of faith in the lyrics and songs of  my favorite performers.

That’s all you wanted, something special, something sacred in your life.-George Michael Father Figure

I got my first tattoo when I was sixteen, in a dingy basement , much to the chagrin of my poor mother.  It’s Alice sitting on a mushroom on the back of my neck. Not the least painful place to start, but still, I was hooked.  I spent the next ten years getting more, including most of the other Wonderland characters, a Copyright@1976 ( my version of a tramp stamp), a couple of wrenches around my wrists signifying my chosen profession, my wedding ring, and my children’s names, naturally. I’m not usually in the habit of explaining my tattoos to other people because they  are MY tattoos. I did not get them as a barstool ice breaker, especially if you’re going to touch them or me to initiate that conversation . My latest tattoo has been a bit confusing to some. My friends are concerned maybe I’ve finally “found Jesus” so I figured I’d offer an explanation.

It’s a song lyric by my latest, favorite band 21 Pilots, “Entertain My Faith.”  I owe my decades long best friend, who also owns a tattoo shop, a huge debt for doing the most cliché girl tattoo for me, then also demanding it be only white. (Love you Alicia Cardenas and Sol Tribe!) I saw 21 Pilots live three times last year from the Ogden Theatre in Denver , to Fiddler’s Green Ampitheater in Greenwood Village, to the Aragon Ballroom in Chicago. We brought our kids to the Fiddler’s Green show, they love their music too! Watching Tyler Joseph sing Car Stereo on the roof of the sound board three feet from my son singing the words with him with his arms stretched high, this is my church.

Entertain my faith- Twenty One pilots Holding Onto You

This lyric perfectly describes how music has become a sort of salvation to me, helping me through any rough patches.

Last night a DJ saved my life- Last Night a DJ Saved My Life Indeep

I love the way certain songs always remind me of particular memories, like my life has always had a soundtrack. From George Michael, to Robert Smith, to Jack White, I’ve always had someone to swoon over and worship.

 Lift up the receiver I’ll make you a believer- Personal Jesus Depeche Mode 

I have been to countless concerts and music festivals. The first time I went to Lollapalooza in Chicago, I took an earlier flight and arrived hours before any of my friends. Deciding not to wait for company, I went to the festival alone to check out Manchester Orchestra’s early set. Listening to their hit I’ve Got Friends, feeling alone in a crowd of thousands of strangers, I was able to focus entirely on their songs and realized how powerful music can be.

I believe in spending my money on experiences instead of things. Seeing Jack White perform live anywhere is worth more to me than driving a nicer car. Most of my vacations are planned around music festivals, from Lollapalooza to Firefly to Voodoo to Riotfest to Beale Street. This is my church. Standing in a crowd of thousands, hearing an entire amphitheater  sing with the artist, often with tears streaming down my face is the most cathartic feeling I can imagine. Especially with friends like Jen Greene, who has attended at least a hundred shows with me and shares this obsession.

You and me have seen everything to see, from Bangkok to Calgary, and the soles of your shoes are all worn down- Death Cab For Cutie I Will Follow You Into The Dark

Jen, Bella and I at KTCL’s Big Gig

I’m a total sucker for a sing-a-long. I guess it’s maybe the closest I can feel to some sort of God, the happiness I feel hearing my favorite song, watching countless cellphones and lighters lit up. It’s a church I can believe in, the only kind I want to attend. Sharing this experience with my children is joy on a whole other level. The first time I actually took my son to a church was to see the Flobots perform. They were working with a high school choir, teaching them their songs. Watching these teenagers sing and rap their words so passionately was character defining, the most non-judgmental and powerful church experience I could ever have hoped to share with my child.

If you believe in redemption, I’m calling to you from another dimension. -Rise The Flobots

I’m definitely not trying to disrespect or scorn all the different types of religions out there. To the Texan cheerleader I met today, who saw my new tattoo, read entertain my faith and probably assimilated it with the gold cross around her neck, I’m fine with the misunderstanding. I didn’t want to explain my different beliefs to her. We can all believe in anything we want, from snakes and apples to sold out sing-alongs.

My hubby’s Mother’s Day card to me quoting my fave  Twenty One Pilots!

Lean with it, rock with it

When we gonna stop with it?

Lyrics that mean nothing

We were gifted with thought

Is it time to move our feet

To an introspective beat?

It ain’t the speakers that bump hearts

It’s our hearts that make the beat.

Twenty One  Pilots Holding Onto You