A few weeks ago, I had a party to celebrate July 4th and watch some fireworks. We had a good turnout. None of the awkwardness that might come with co-hosting months after separating (maybe?) so I thought the party was a success until I received a semi-alarmed text the next day from an old friend/neighbor telling me that my sixteen-year-old son, the epitome of white privilege, was seen mingling around the party guests with a gun in his waistband. I figured what a perfect time to write a post on parenting tips!
Welcome to the Gun Show
Since there is still no sarcasm font, if you couldn’t tell from my first sentences, these “tips” are based almost exclusively on mistakes I have made. Maybe someone can learn from my fumbles. I have an 18-year-old and a 16-year-old. Some days I feel close to done with the whole raising kids part of parenthood. My oldest child, born Isabella Blue, is now going by Blue and possibly gender-free. Blue graduated high school a semester early last December, completed one free semester of college, moved out and is preparing for her second year at CCD.
She’s confident, fierce, and un-f@ck-withable, all attributes I wish I had at that age. I’m immensely proud of the person they have become though I realize she spent a lot of her teenage formative years with the heel of her Converse placed firmly on her brother’s throat. Like that old scary babysitter story about the call coming from inside the house, my son Jameson spent years with his biggest bully living ‘inside the house.” Jameson, the “gunslinger” is making his own way, through his sibling obstacle, ADHD, and the usual teen angst. I pray that he will survive these formative years.
Before the War
The gun in his waistband was a realistic airsoft gun. He’s a bit of a showoff and hasn’t figured out yet how to form friendships based on merit rather than his “coolness” or possessions. After several showoff sessions, where he’s displayed his wares- airsoft guns, clothes, dirt bikes, skate ramp, pets, toys, etc., he’s had multiple items stolen or come up missing, so he was storing his gun in a “safe place” during our party. Please don’t ask me to explain teenage boy logic, if it even exists? I assured my friend, a fellow parent of teenagers, that my son was not a gangster, just a dumbass.
Here are some things I’ve learned, mostly belatedly, through this motherhood journey, one for every year I’ve been at it:
18. Don’t Expect to Mold Your Children–
They are not clay. I thought my kids would be mini versions of us. In so many ways they are, Blue’s complete unapologetic stubbornness or tomboy adolescence, for example, but thinking you’re going to raise a doctor, an actor, a princess or even a daughter for that matter, is just setting yourself up.
Blue having none of the princess makeover sleepover BS
Our children’s DNA is such a small part of them. Accept their vast differences from your expectations of a clone. Nurture, of course, as best you can but understand that your own least favorite traits will probably be the ones that surface. You can instead share everything you love with them, our love of music and hundreds of concerts under the stars, for example. Just don’t expect them to be your doppelgangers or expect them to also love all your favorite bands.
17. Don’t Pretend Life is Fair–
In fact, teach them the opposite from an early age. With two children, I spent years cutting grapes in half, divvying up M&Ms, and counting the presents under the Christmas tree so neither child would feel slighted. Guess what? No matter how hard I tried to ensure neither child was favored, inevitably one child felt treated unfairly. LIFE ISN’T FAIR, let them realize this ASAP. Then maybe you won’t beat yourself up for years trying to balance some imaginary and impossible scales.
16. Throw Away Any Pre-Conceived Notions–
“Terrible twos” (they’re all terrible) Girls are easier than boys, for example, or vice versa. The majority of the teens I know are shedding their gender identities anyway and there’s nothing easy about raising teenagers of any persuasion or children at any age, from what I can tell so don’t assuage yourself with false ideas.
15. Create a Village–
Hopefully, you have a partner to help in parenthood. Even with a great partner, a village of friends, grandparents, teachers, or whomever can really lighten the load and help make your children feel a part of something.
14. Judge Not–
Seriously!!!! Reminder, all of these tips are based on mistakes I have made. The last thing any struggling parent needs is the confirmation they’re doing everything wrong by some sanctimonious un-asked for opinion. Mothers especially, with the constant comparisons of working vs. stay-at-home moms or breastfed vs. formula or whatever the latest supposed measurement of our failures is, could use a break. Maybe lend a hand if you see someone struggling instead poking your nose in with an unwelcome school of thought.
13. Don’t Kill Yourself Trying to Do All the Things–
I recently found two copies of Dr. Suess’ Oh the Places You’ll Go books that I bought years ago. I had my children’s teachers sign them every year as a someday graduation gift filled with words of wisdom. I hid them too well one year, couldn’t remember my hiding spot, and discovered them tucked away in the cupboard above my fridge, just in time for Blue’s graduation, missing multiple years of teacher’s inscriptions. Pinterest is a black hole of great ideas, like creating and nabbing their Gmail address when they’re young and spending years sending them special emails, so they’ll have an inbox full of love and memories when they’re old enough. I did create email addresses for my kids but fell short after a few months of the inbox “full” goal. Of course, Jameson’s first email address was something along the lines of suckmyballs69@gmail.com which somehow was still available ha-ha. Just know that spreading yourself thin trying to be Mother of the Year is a slippery slope, and those little shits won’t appreciate half of it so don’t beat yourself up about baby albums or any of the other myriad of things us “perfect parents” are supposed to be doing along with just surviving the years without throttling your children or partner.
12. Tell Your Children You Are Proud of Them–
I don’t know a single child (and most adults really) who wouldn’t benefit from hearing that someone is proud of them. Don’t meter your praise. Better yet, tell them to be proud of themselves. Maybe they won’t measure their own worth based on others’ beliefs.
11. Forget Traditions–
Better yet, create your own. My mother and I stopped spending long hours every Christmas day with the extended family because it was unhappy and often joyless. You don’t have to repeat generations’ worth of traditions like everything Thanksgiving at so-and-so’s. I personally loathe Christmas. Several years ago, we skipped the tree, the presents, and all the BS and went to Mexico instead, best Christmas in years! We really should have made that our own tradition but don’t tether yourself to someone else’s idea.
10. Don’t Disparage–
Don’t talk about your calories, your diet, hating your body. Hand raised; I said all these things about myself in front of my children, repeatedly. Don’t ever make them feel fat or advise a child to skip dessert or any other comment that will plant like a seed to whittle away at their self-worth. Don’t do it to your own kids and certainly not your GRANDKIDS or anyone. I feel like this should be well known at this point but here’s a simple reminder to not add to the endless garbage your child will see in celebrities, social media, or classrooms informing them that they’re equal to a number on the scale or not enough. Footnote: Don’t bad mouth your estranged spouse. It’s very difficult, especially when the pain is fresh, but studies have shown this is more damaging than bad-mouthing your child directly. (In-laws are fair game though-kidding)
9. Be Nice to Their Friends–
Oof this one is so hard, especially when you want to throat-punch any little bastard who hurts your kid. I don’t approve of all my kid’s friend choices but it’s not my job to approve. Even the bad influences, even the users, or the heartbreakers. Inevitably, telling your child how much you don’t like a person will only make them shinier. My son is too forgiving. Friends that I badmouthed are often forgiven. Yes, I haven’t been the nicest to a lot of their compadres, but I said this list is based on SO MANY of my OWN mistakes. As the poor, only child of a single mother, growing up among “perfect” 2.5 children families with two story homes and a dog, I was often mistakenly blamed for their darling child’s promiscuity or alcohol use, or kleptomania. I still carry the low self-esteem those parents planted with their disapproval of me. I try to remember that feeling of worthlessness when dealing with my children’s friends.
8. Try to Remove Your Own Trauma–
Ugh, especially when dealing with the teenage years! High school was a nightmare I still need therapy from. I dreaded these years for my own children and there have been brutal times, but I can’t relive my experience through them and still support them through it. Which is to say, I did exactly that, re-opening old wounds and trying to soak up all their hurt with my own. So, yeah, maybe don’t do that, if possible so you can be their rock, not that they will come to you or even tell you the worst of it, maybe their way of protecting Mom though it was never their job. Add in a freaking pandemic and social media that follows them home in their pocket with 24-hour notifications or I HATE JAMESON Instagram pages with other children encouraging your kid to kill themselves. We made it through somehow, maybe refer back to #4- with a village.
How about neither ….
7. Do it Your Way–
Spoil them rotten, refuse sugary cereals, limit screen time-whatever you want. These are your kids! Regardless of the naysayers, I didn’t have kids so they could have a sad childhood. These guys are a bit of a do-over to my upbringing so if I can give them vacations, experiences, or anything I found lacking when I was growing up. The beauty is, I can raise my kids however I want to because they’re MINE. Buying a 16-year-old a street bike was a bad choice, but I didn’t ask anyone because I don’t have to. It’s easy to feel constantly judged and like you’re making so many mistakes raising children but those people looking down their noses can raise their kids “perfectly” and realizing I don’t answer to any of them was a great weight lifted.
6. Don’t Stay Together for The Kids–
A few of these don’t need further explanations but just in case. I’ve said “I” a lot in this and for the first eighteen years of parenting, I had a great partner. Not that we don’t continue to co-parent from different households. My son has begrudgingly and hopefully jokingly told me that it wasn’t fair that our firstborn had her whole childhood with her parents “still together” after we split when he was 15. I know staying together for the kids is a garbage idea and can only hope Jameson knows this or realizes it someday.
5. Soak It In-
I know the first years are exhausting and I can’t say it ever gets easier, just a different kind of hard but your kids will be cat’s cradling you (i.e.. too busy to spend time with you like the song) sooner than you know so try to enjoy them.
Cats In the Cradle by Cat Stevens
Take all the photos, or better yet have someone take some with you in them too, ignoring your imagined dumpiness. Write down all the funny things they say when they’re little- the littleness never lasts. Without my Facebook memories, I may have forgotten Jameson telling me “Your breath smells like hot tub water” or “your panties look too small” -always encouraging, or how he believed his nuts were actually dragon eggs that would hatch someday, alarmed counting only two one night at bath time when he always thought he had three future dragons. I wouldn’t have so many mortifying pictures to post- every teen’s favorite throwback. On that note, try to remember-
4. Social Media Is A Liar–
It’s a highlight reel of only the shiniest parts of everyone’s lives. Maybe try to post some disappointments so your friends know they’re not alone in moments of despair. Share your knowledge and mistakes along with your joy even if everyone else only posts their best moments. For more you can read my older post- Facebook Is A Façade – Mamachanic
3. Apologize–
Mean it. Teach them to apologize. You’re going to scream at them. You’re going to lose your shit with them. You’re going to inadvertently scar them for life by watching The Visit with them far too young, so they’ll still never watch scary movies with you or by bringing them to Old Spaghetti Factory the same day as the Zombie Crawl where hundreds dress up like zombies and crawl the streets and it’s maybe too much for an eight-year-old to handle. I/We have f@cked up our kids in ways we probably don’t even realize yet. I’m still working on the apologizing part, especially when the screaming matches are like holding up a mirror. Show them it’s OK to say sorry. And maybe start saving for their therapy.
Mistake #1,232,899
2. Stick to One or None! –
I preach this all the time and it is great advice. Too late for me obviously, and of course, I love BOTH my kids. One or none would’ve been so much easier and affordable. I tried to warn my in-laws who have a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old now. Nobody listens! All joking aside, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting children. Sometimes, I think my childless friends are the real geniuses. They get too much grief for living their lives exactly how they want to. On the flip side, there are plenty of people who wanted to be parents and couldn’t for so many reasons, so I try to feel gratitude even when I’m up to my eyeballs in empty ice cube trays or other side effects of teens.
1. Give Yourself Grace-
Sure, billions of people have done this parenting thing, most of them poorly, and all of them with NO IDEA of what they’re doing. There’s no manual, there’s no license. There’s plenty of advice on social media, at the library, from your MIL who made their own mistakes raising Peter Pan but what none of the “experts” will tell you is they were ALL WINGING IT, making it up as they went along. Maybe you learn some things with the first kid, enough to not repeat those flubs with child number two but every child is vastly different. There’s no failsafe, owner’s manual, or blueprint. None of us have any idea what we’re doing regardless of the multitude of advice/opinions out there. This website is my journal/therapy to have a creative outlet. I don’t think I have all the answers to preach, especially when all my tips are based mostly on my parenting failures. I just know that every part of parenting can be so difficult. You’re not alone, and nobody is perfect so number one GIVE YOURSELF GRACE!
At my birthday dinner, we all looked pissed and thrilled- they’re so obviously mine and that is why I love this picture.
It’ s been a busy November and we’re not even to or through Thanksgiving. Blue and I spent an awesome groupie/fangirl weekend in San Fransisco being tourists and seeing one of our favorite bands Manchester Orchestra for the 15th/6th time respectively. Music really is our church. I’m so glad I can share these experiences with my kids. Tonight, we saw Billie Eilish for the 3rd/2nd time and I’m feeling nostalgic. I’m not even going to touch on the election and the horror and fear I feel for our future and the safety of my children because I can’t quite wrap my head around any of that yet. I also absolutely loathe winter and the holidays so I’m just trying to power through the end of this year without diving too deep for fear I may just find myself stuck.
